How Abandonment Issues Fuel the Push and Pull in Borderline Personality
- Julie Barris | Crisis Counselor | Therapist-in-Training
- 20 hours ago
- 4 min read
The push and pull dynamic in Borderline Personality Disorder often leads individuals to both desperately seek connection and fear it at the same time. This internal conflict can create a cycle where the person alternates between pushing others away and pulling them back in, struggling to find stability in their relationships.
What if the root of our most challenging relationships lies in the deepest, unhealed parts of our childhood?
Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) often brings with it a wave of complex emotional experiences. Among the most significant of these is the chronic fear of abandonment—a fear that can shape relationships in the most painful, unpredictable ways. For those struggling with BPD, the impact of abandonment in childhood isn't just a past hurt; it becomes a constant shadow that lingers over every connection, shaping how they relate to others, and often leaving them caught in a push-and-pull cycle.
The Roots of Abandonment in Childhood
At its core, BPD is rooted in emotional dysregulation, which is deeply intertwined with childhood experiences of instability, neglect, or abandonment. Imagine being a child who, at a time when love and safety are vital, is left to fend emotionally for themselves. This lack of secure attachment can lead to a deep internal wound—one that screams for connection but fears it at the same time. The child grows up not knowing how to trust others or how to allow themselves to be loved fully.
For individuals with BPD, the fear of abandonment doesn’t just exist in the back of their minds—it is front and center in their lives. The thought of being rejected or left alone can be so overwhelming that it triggers extreme reactions. When they sense even the smallest distance or perceived neglect in a relationship, they may push people away in a desperate attempt to avoid being hurt. On the flip side, when they feel abandoned or rejected, they may cling desperately, creating a paradox of wanting closeness but fearing it at the same time.
The Push and Pull: Why Can't I Let Go?
For someone with BPD, relationships can feel like a rollercoaster—full of intense highs and devastating lows. One moment, they may feel deeply connected to someone, and the next, a perceived slight can cause them to withdraw or lash out. This “push and pull” dynamic is the result of the intense emotional extremes they experience.
At the heart of it all is an internal battle: the desire for closeness and connection, combined with an overwhelming fear of abandonment. It’s a vicious cycle where love is both something to crave and something to fear. A person with BPD might push others away to avoid the pain of potential rejection, only to feel the loneliness of that very action and pull people back in, only to repeat the cycle.
This pattern isn’t just difficult for the person with BPD, but also for their loved ones who struggle to understand the emotional intensity and inconsistency. They might feel confused or helpless when their partner or friend pulls away, only to later demand all of their attention and reassurance. The back-and-forth nature of these relationships can often feel emotionally draining for both parties involved.
Healing the Wounds of Abandonment
Healing from the emotional wounds caused by abandonment is complex but possible. Therapy, particularly Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), has proven to be one of the most effective treatments for people with BPD. DBT helps individuals develop emotional regulation skills, allowing them to recognize and manage their intense feelings, while also teaching strategies for building healthy, trusting relationships.
Another important aspect of healing involves self-compassion. For many with BPD, the inner critic can be just as harsh as the external fears of abandonment. Learning to accept and care for oneself—without relying on others to fill that emotional void—is key to breaking free from the cycle of abandonment fear.
Support groups can also be instrumental in the healing process, allowing individuals to share their experiences with others who truly understand the pain of living with BPD. In these spaces, the person with BPD can find validation, reassurance, and a sense of belonging, helping them to combat the loneliness and isolation that often accompany their disorder.
Moving Forward: What Does True Connection Look Like?
It’s important to remember that while BPD is deeply rooted in childhood trauma, it does not have to define one’s future. With proper treatment, emotional growth, and a supportive network, individuals with BPD can develop healthier, more stable relationships and begin to rebuild their sense of self-worth.
If you or someone you love struggles with abandonment fears and relationship instability, it’s crucial to recognize that healing is possible. The journey may be long, but it’s worth it for the possibility of lasting connection and peace.
Are we ready to break the cycle of fear and embrace the realness of love, trust, and connection?
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