From Guarded to Growing: How Your Childhood Walls Could Be Blocking Your Marriage

Julie Barris | Crisis Counselor | Therapist-in-Training
1 hour ago
4 min read

Childhood walls built to protect us from pain can quietly follow us into adulthood, shaping how we love and how close we allow others to get. When we begin to understand and gently dismantle our childhood walls, we create space for deeper connection, healing, and intimacy in our relationships.

From Guarded to Growing: How Your Childhood Walls Could Be Blocking Your Marriage

Do you ever find yourself pulling away when your partner gets too close—emotionally, not just physically? Or shutting down during conflict, saying, “I’m fine,” when you’re anything but? You may be operating from a script written long before you ever fell in love.

The truth is, the way we were raised doesn’t just influence how we see the world—it shapes how we relate to the people we care about most. If your childhood taught you that vulnerability equals danger, you may have unconsciously built emotional walls. While those walls once protected you, they could now be keeping love out.

The Silent Blueprint: How Childhood Shapes Our Defenses

Childhood is when we first learn how to connect—or disconnect. If your parents or caregivers were emotionally unavailable, unpredictable, critical, or even just emotionally overwhelmed themselves, your nervous system adapted. You learned what was “safe” in relationships based on what your environment demanded of you.

For example:

If you were punished or ignored for showing emotion, you may have learned to shut down and internalize pain.
If love felt conditional—based on achievement, behavior, or emotional compliance—you may have developed a hyper-independence or people-pleasing style.
If trust was repeatedly broken, you may now expect abandonment or betrayal, even from someone who’s proven trustworthy.

These are not flaws. They are adaptations. But while they may have helped you survive emotionally, they can now sabotage your ability to fully thrive in a relationship.

Love Behind the Wall: The Problem With Staying Guarded

Being emotionally guarded doesn’t mean you don’t love deeply—it often means you love so deeply that you fear being hurt again. But here's the paradox: the very strategies we use to protect ourselves from pain (withdrawing, staying "strong," avoiding conflict) often end up creating the very disconnection we fear most.

You might:

Struggle to express needs or fears.
Avoid initiating intimacy or important conversations.
Assume your partner “should just know” how you feel.
Feel disconnected even when everything seems “fine” on the outside.

These behaviors can leave your partner feeling confused, unappreciated, or shut out—while you might feel frustrated that they don't "get you." Over time, this emotional gap can quietly erode connection, creating loneliness within the relationship itself.

Click to Learn About The Armor We Outgrow: Learning to Let Vulnerability In

Lowering the Shield: Small Steps Toward Emotional Openness

The idea of being vulnerable can feel terrifying if your childhood taught you that doing so wasn’t safe. But vulnerability doesn’t mean exposure without boundaries—it means letting yourself be seen, little by little, in an environment of care.

Here are a few ways to begin:

Notice your patterns: Start observing your emotional habits in moments of stress or closeness. Do you go silent? Get defensive? Do you intellectualize your feelings instead of sharing them?
Name the origin: Reflect on where those patterns began. Were emotions discouraged in your household? Did you feel unsafe when being honest as a child?
Start small: Vulnerability doesn’t mean spilling everything all at once. Try sharing something small, like “I had a hard day, and I just need a little comfort tonight,” and see how your partner responds.
Let your partner in: If you're comfortable, explain your hesitations. A simple “I’m not always great at this, but I’m trying to be more open” can create powerful intimacy.
Get curious, not critical: When you catch yourself retreating, pause and ask, “What am I protecting right now?” Compassionate self-awareness is a key step toward change.
Seek support: Therapy—especially emotionally focused therapy (EFT) or trauma-informed approaches—can help you rewire patterns of disconnection in a safe space.

The Payoff: More Connection, More Joy

When you begin softening your defenses, you create room for real intimacy—not just coexisting, but truly knowing and being known.

You may begin to experience:

Deeper emotional conversations.
A stronger sense of safety and belonging.
Fewer miscommunications or assumptions.
More ease in asking for comfort, help, or support.

You’ll also likely notice a shift in your own internal world. Lowering your guard doesn’t mean losing control—it means giving yourself permission to receive love, not just give it.