- Julie Barris | Crisis Counselor | Therapist-in-Training
- 2 days ago
Supporting your teen through an identity crisis after being unsupportive takes humility, courage, and a willingness to grow alongside them. It’s never too late to rebuild trust—it starts with listening, apologizing, and choosing connection over control.
There’s a moment in parenting that’s hard to admit out loud. It’s not the loud fight or the slammed door—it’s what happens after. It’s the cold silence, the withdrawn eyes, or the gut-wrenching moment when you realize your child no longer trusts you with their inner world.
Maybe your teen confided in you about wanting to quit sports—something they’ve done since age five—and instead of asking why, you told them they were being ungrateful or lazy. Maybe they started dressing in ways you didn’t understand, pulling away from your family’s faith traditions, expressing political beliefs that clashed with your own, or admitting they don’t know what they want out of life anymore. Maybe they said they felt numb, anxious, like nothing makes sense anymore—and you told them to toughen up or stop being dramatic.
At the time, you may have thought you were protecting them. You thought discipline or tough love would snap them out of it. But now you realize that what they were offering wasn’t rebellion—it was vulnerability. They weren’t trying to defy you. They were trying to show you who they are becoming—and hoping you’d meet them there.
And the truth is… maybe you didn’t.
But now you’re here. And you’re asking the question that matters most:Is it too late to rebuild the trust I’ve broken?
Why It Hurts—For Both of You
Teenagers don’t come with roadmaps. They are walking contradictions—hungry for independence and desperate for approval all at once. They’re experimenting with new ideas, new clothes, new music, and even new names for themselves. They’re trying to make sense of their world in the middle of a flood of hormones, social pressure, and uncertainty about the future.
This is all part of a normal identity shift—but when your child no longer feels emotionally safe in your presence, they retreat. And the pain of that disconnection cuts both ways. Your teen feels rejected, unseen, or punished for simply exploring who they are. And you, as the parent, are left feeling helpless, confused, and maybe even ashamed.
And here’s the twist—many of us were raised by parents who didn’t know how to hold space for our identities either. You may not have had anyone teach you how to respond with grace when someone you love changes before your eyes. So, when your teen pushes boundaries or brings you hard truths, your first instinct might have been control, not curiosity. Judgment, not understanding.
But the good news? Awareness is the first door back in.
The Turning Point: Awareness and Accountability
There is one sentence that has the power to begin healing even years of distance:
“I’m sorry. I didn’t get it right.”
No excuses. No “but I was just trying to help.” Just the raw truth of your heart.
You might say:
“I see now that I didn’t really listen when you were trying to tell me something important. I pushed you away when I should’ve pulled you closer. I thought I was protecting you, but I ended up making you feel alone. I’m so sorry.”
This kind of humility doesn’t erase the past, but it does soften the present. And for many teens, hearing this opens a door they had assumed was shut forever.
How to Rebuild Connection and Trust
1. Acknowledge Your Impact, Not Just Your Intention
It’s easy to fall back on, “I didn’t mean to hurt you.” But healing starts when we stop focusing on our intentions and start focusing on their experience.
Even if you didn’t mean to minimize their feelings or shut them down, the reality is—they felt hurt, dismissed, or unloved. Saying something like:
“I realize now that when I told you to ‘snap out of it,’ it made you feel like your pain wasn’t valid. That wasn’t okay, and I regret it.”
…goes much further than explaining what you meant to say. It tells your child: I’m listening now.
2. Get Curious, Not Controlling
Let go of the desire to manage the outcome. When your child says, “I don’t know who I am anymore,” or “I don’t believe what we used to believe,” or “I don’t want to go to college like everyone else”—don’t jump into solution mode. Instead, pause. Breathe. Listen.
You might ask:
“Can you help me understand what’s been weighing on you lately? What’s changed for you?”
And then—really listen. Don’t interrupt. Don’t defend. Just be present.
Even if they shrug, say “I don’t know,” or clam up—trust that your calm, open presence is planting seeds. Many teens test the waters to see if you're safe enough for honesty.
3. Do the Work (So They Don’t Have To Carry It All)
Your teen shouldn’t have to bear the weight of your learning curve. If they’re going through an identity crisis related to mental health, spiritual beliefs, gender roles, body image, or anything else, you need to do your own homework.
Read books about adolescent development and emotional regulation.
Watch videos or read blogs from people who’ve navigated identity shifts.
Join parenting forums or therapy groups where others are learning too.
You could say:
“You don’t need to explain everything to me right now. I’ve been doing my own reading and learning. I want to understand you better without putting the pressure on you.”
This tells them: You’re worth my effort.
4. Love Without Conditions
Your teen needs to know that your love isn’t a prize for being “good,” obedient, or familiar. They need to know it’s permanent, even when they’re distant, uncertain, or different from who you imagined they’d be.
Start saying things like:
“I love you no matter what. Even if we don’t see things the same way. Even if you’re still figuring it out. I love you. Period.”
Let that be your baseline. Every single day.
5. Show Up—Consistently and Imperfectly
Healing won’t happen overnight. Your teen may still act cold or skeptical at first. That doesn’t mean your efforts aren’t working—it just means they need time to believe this version of you is real.
Show up in quiet, reliable ways:
Leave a note in their backpack.
Make their favorite meal without saying a word.
Text them, “I’m proud of you,” even if they don’t reply.
Invite them for a walk or a coffee without pressure.
Your presence is more powerful than you know. Even when it’s not acknowledged, it’s noticed.
What Teens Wish You Knew (Even If They Can’t Say It)
They may not say it out loud, but most teens are desperately hoping you’ll try again. They’re scared you won’t accept them if they tell you the whole truth. They’re afraid they’ll disappoint you if they stray from the path you laid out for them. But beneath all that… they still want you in their corner.
They don’t need you to be perfect. They just need to know you care enough to keep showing up.
It’s Not Too Late—Not If You’re Willing to Grow
You can’t rewind the moment when you got it wrong. But you can absolutely rewrite what happens next.
This isn’t about fixing your teen. It’s about growing with them. Loving them loudly and consistently, even when you’re unsure. And making sure that when they’re struggling with identity—whether that’s mental health, values, purpose, or direction—they never have to doubt that they’re still worthy of your love.
And maybe, in the end, your teen will choose a life, path, or belief system that looks different from your own. Maybe they’ll chase dreams you never considered or hold values that challenge yours. That’s okay. That’s part of growing up.
Because ultimately—it’s their life to live. And your trust in their ability to navigate it is one of the greatest gifts you can give.
They don’t need a perfect parent. They just need one who stays.
Eye-Opening Question to End With:
If your teen knew—deep in their bones—that your love doesn’t depend on who they become, how differently would they open up to you today? And are you ready to prove it to them?
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The Teen Mental Health Crisis: Understanding the Struggles and the Path Forward
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Building Strong Bonds: How Parenting in Childhood Shapes Trusting Relationships with Adult Children
Unseen Scars: The Hidden Toll of Bullying in Middle School and How We Can Help Our Children Heal