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The Hidden Pain of Abandonment: Why Lack of Support Feels Like Betrayal to Those with BPD

  • Writer: Julie Barris | Crisis Counselor | Therapist-in-Training
    Julie Barris | Crisis Counselor | Therapist-in-Training
  • Jan 21

Lack of support feels like betrayal to those with Borderline Personality Disorder, as the absence of reassurance can trigger deep feelings of abandonment and emotional chaos. For individuals with BPD, the withdrawal of support often feels not just like neglect, but a personal rejection that cuts to the core of their self-worth.

The Hidden Pain of Abandonment: Why Lack of Support Feels Like Betrayal to Those with BPD

In the world of mental health, few experiences are as profoundly painful as the feeling of abandonment. For those living with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), this pain can be all-consuming. It’s often mistaken for something trivial or overstated, but to those who experience it, abandonment feels like a wound that never heals—sharp, persistent, and terrifying. But what if the real issue isn't that others are leaving, but that those with BPD often feel abandoned, even when no one has gone anywhere?


The Nature of Fear in BPD


At its core, Borderline Personality Disorder is a condition marked by extreme emotional instability and a deep-seated fear of abandonment. This fear often leads to intense relationships, where the individual is constantly testing the boundaries of their connections. The slightest indication of emotional withdrawal from a loved one—whether real or perceived—can trigger a sense of overwhelming rejection.


For those with BPD, this fear of abandonment is often heightened by a strong reliance on external validation and support. This need for reassurance from others can feel like a lifeline. When that support is withdrawn, it can feel like the ground beneath them is crumbling, leading to emotional breakdowns, impulsive behavior, or even suicidal thoughts.


However, here's the catch: It’s not always necessary for their support to remain constant for them to heal or grow.


A Paradox: The Role of Self-Sufficiency in Healing


While it's true that those with BPD often rely heavily on others for validation and emotional support, there’s a paradox here: The most transformative form of healing often comes from within. Through therapies like Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), individuals with BPD can learn how to rely on themselves, not others, for emotional regulation and coping strategies. They begin to understand that while external support can be helpful, it is not the only key to their survival and growth.


DBT teaches skills for managing distress, improving emotional regulation, and creating healthier relationships. Over time, these skills can help reduce the overwhelming fear of abandonment, as individuals learn that they can weather emotional storms without relying on others for constant reassurance. In essence, while support is always helpful, it’s not the ultimate lifeline. The real power to heal and thrive lies within the individual.


Reclaiming Agency


One of the most liberating lessons for someone with BPD is recognizing that they are not helpless in their recovery. Though the fear of abandonment may never fully go away, they can learn to manage it with resilience. In fact, the true journey toward healing begins when they stop seeing themselves as “broken” or “needy,” and start viewing themselves as active participants in their own recovery.


It's easy to forget that you are not powerless. In fact, you are the one who has the power to regulate your emotions and responses, even when external support seems distant or unavailable. As DBT emphasizes, you are your best savior. Over time, through consistent practice, the reliance on others diminishes, and the ability to self-soothe and self-validate increases.


The Reality of Abandonment


While feeling abandoned can be emotionally intense for anyone, for someone with BPD, this feeling can seem unbearable. But it’s important to remember: feeling abandoned is not the same as being abandoned. Support may fluctuate, and people may come and go, but at the end of the day, the most significant and lasting source of support will always come from within. By building self-resilience and DBT skills, individuals can learn to thrive, even in the absence of external support.


Eye-Opening Question: If you had the tools to self-regulate, to find peace within yourself, could you imagine a life where external support becomes a bonus, rather than a necessity?


 

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Finding Light in the Dark: Why Joining a Support Group This Holiday Season Could Be the Best Gift You Give Yourself

  • Writer: Julie Barris | Crisis Counselor | Therapist-in-Training
    Julie Barris | Crisis Counselor | Therapist-in-Training
  • Dec 20, 2024

A support group could be the best gift you give yourself, offering a safe space to connect with others who truly understand your struggles. In a season often filled with stress and isolation, having that sense of community can make all the difference in your mental well-being.

Finding Light in the Dark: Why Joining a Support Group This Holiday Season Could Be the Best Gift You Give Yourself

The holidays are often seen as a time of celebration, joy, and connection. Yet for many, this time of year can bring about feelings of loneliness, stress, and even despair. Whether it's the pressures of family dynamics, the weight of financial burdens, or the reminder of personal losses, the holiday season can often exacerbate mental health struggles.


In fact, according to mental health professionals, the festive season—while generally thought of as a time of cheer—can be one of the most challenging for individuals dealing with anxiety, depression, grief, and other mental health conditions. So, how can we navigate this period with our emotional well-being intact? One answer might lie in a powerful yet often overlooked resource: support groups.


The Hidden Power of Support Groups


Support groups offer a safe, nonjudgmental space for individuals to share their experiences and receive emotional support from others who understand exactly what they’re going through. It’s a place where vulnerability is met with empathy, where advice is offered, and where the realization dawns that you’re not alone in your struggles.


During the holiday season, the isolation that many feel can be even more pronounced. Support groups provide an antidote to this loneliness by fostering a sense of community and shared experience. Whether you’re dealing with grief, mental health challenges, or simply the stress of the holidays, a support group can provide the comfort of knowing that others are navigating similar feelings.


The Benefits of Joining a Support Group Over the Holidays


  1. Connection in a Time of Loneliness The holidays can highlight feelings of isolation, particularly for those living far from family or dealing with a difficult situation. A support group offers an immediate sense of connection. Being surrounded by individuals who genuinely understand your struggles can help alleviate the loneliness that the season often brings.


  2. Reduced Stress and Anxiety The holiday season can be overwhelming, with all the demands for socializing, gift-giving, and family commitments. In a support group, members can share coping strategies, advice, and mindfulness techniques to help manage stress. Plus, just talking about your concerns with people who understand can bring a sense of relief that can make a world of difference in reducing holiday anxiety.


  3. A Safe Space to Grieve Whether it's the loss of a loved one, a difficult breakup, or the loss of a job, the holidays can be a painful reminder of what we no longer have. Grief can feel even heavier during this time of year, and many people don't feel comfortable discussing it with their family or friends. In a support group, you can grieve at your own pace, knowing that everyone there is familiar with the complicated emotions of loss.


  4. Accountability and Encouragement It's easy to fall into unhealthy patterns, especially when we're overwhelmed or stressed. Support groups can provide accountability—whether it's sticking to a self-care routine, practicing mindfulness, or making time for therapy. Encouragement from others who are on a similar journey can motivate you to take better care of yourself during the busy season.


  5. Feeling Seen and Heard Often, the holiday season brings expectations—whether they’re self-imposed or from others—that can be overwhelming. Being able to express your thoughts and feelings without fear of judgment or invalidation is liberating. Support groups offer a space where you can be seen for who you are, without the pressure of "performing" for others.


  6. A Sense of Purpose The holidays often emphasize giving, which can sometimes create feelings of inadequacy if you’re struggling emotionally or financially. In a support group, your contributions matter—whether it’s sharing a helpful tip, offering a listening ear, or simply being present. That sense of purpose and community can help shift the focus away from material concerns to the meaningful connections we form with others.


How to Find a Support Group This Holiday Season


Finding the right support group is easier than you might think. Many mental health organizations offer holiday-specific support groups, either in-person or online. Local community centers, religious organizations, or online mental health platforms often provide opportunities for connection during this time. You might also consider reaching out to a therapist or counselor who can recommend appropriate groups based on your needs.

Don’t be afraid to try a few different groups until you find one that feels like a good fit. Remember, the goal is to find a group where you feel comfortable, heard, and supported—without judgment.


Take the First Step


This holiday season, instead of facing the pressure and emotional overwhelm alone, consider joining a support group. The holidays may bring their fair share of challenges, but having the right people by your side can help you navigate them with greater resilience.

Sometimes, the best gift we can give ourselves is the gift of connection—and the holidays are the perfect time to make that investment in your mental well-being.


Question for Reflection: What might change if you allowed yourself to reach out for support during the holiday season? Could joining a support group be the key to making this holiday season a little brighter for your mental health?


 

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Surviving the Storm: Navigating Life as a Child of a Borderline Parent

  • Writer: Julie Barris | Crisis Counselor | Therapist-in-Training
    Julie Barris | Crisis Counselor | Therapist-in-Training
  • Nov 30, 2024

Life as a child of a borderline parent can feel like walking on emotional eggshells, never knowing what mood or behavior you'll face next. The unpredictability and intensity of such a home environment can leave lasting scars, making it difficult to trust others or form stable relationships in adulthood.

Surviving the Storm: Navigating Life as a Child of a Borderline Parent

Growing up in a household with a parent diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) can feel like living in a constant emotional whirlwind. The unpredictability, emotional intensity, and occasional volatility can leave deep imprints on a child’s mental health and sense of self. As an adult, you may find yourself navigating your own mental health struggles, emotional triggers, and complex relationships, all while trying to understand the effects of being raised by a parent with BPD.


What Is Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)?


Borderline Personality Disorder, according to the DSM-5 (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders), is characterized by a pervasive pattern of instability in interpersonal relationships, self-image, and emotions. This instability often leads to impulsive behaviors, emotional dysregulation, and difficulty maintaining relationships.


The DSM-5 diagnostic criteria for BPD include:


  1. Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. This can manifest in extreme emotional reactions or actions to prevent perceived rejection or abandonment.


  2. A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation (known as "splitting").


  3. Identity disturbance: A marked and persistent unstable self-image or sense of self, which can lead to sudden changes in goals, values, or career plans.


  4. Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating).


  5. Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior (e.g., cutting, burning).


  6. Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodes of dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety lasting a few hours and rarely more than a few days).


  7. Chronic feelings of emptiness, which can lead to a sense of numbness or an unfulfilled emotional void.


  8. Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, or physical fights).


  9. Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms.


For a child growing up with a borderline parent, these behaviors can create an unpredictable environment that makes it difficult to feel safe, loved, or secure. As a result, children of borderline parents often face emotional challenges that can affect their own relationships, self-esteem, and emotional regulation.


Borderline Mother vs. Borderline Father: How the Impact Differs


While the effects of being raised by a borderline parent can be significant regardless of the parent’s gender, there are some key differences in how a borderline mother and father may impact a child’s development.


A Borderline Mother


A mother with BPD may create an environment where emotional support is inconsistent, leading to feelings of confusion and insecurity. A borderline mother might:


  • Demand constant validation: A child may feel like their worth is based entirely on their ability to meet their mother’s emotional needs. This can lead to feelings of guilt or inadequacy when they fail to provide the validation she craves.


  • Use emotional manipulation: Intense moods, sudden outbursts, or periods of emotional withdrawal can leave the child feeling like they’re walking on eggshells, unsure of how to “keep the peace.”


  • Parentification: In some cases, a child might feel responsible for the mother’s emotional well-being, which can place undue pressure on them and interfere with healthy emotional development.


Children of borderline mothers often struggle with issues of self-worth and may have difficulty setting boundaries in relationships later in life. They may also experience challenges in trusting others or in maintaining a sense of emotional stability.


A Borderline Father


A father with BPD may create an environment where fear, anger, or withdrawal dominate the household. The impact on children may include:


  • Emotional volatility and anger: A borderline father might express love in extreme ways, alternating between affection and intense anger. This can lead to confusion, as the child struggles to reconcile the love and aggression they experience.


  • Fear of abandonment: Just as borderline mothers may have a fear of abandonment, so too might a borderline father, but he may react in more controlling or neglectful ways, leaving the child feeling emotionally rejected or lost.


  • Inconsistent parenting: The child may never know what to expect from their father, leading to a lack of structure and stability in their emotional development. This inconsistency can impact the child’s ability to form secure attachments in future relationships.


Children of borderline fathers may grow up feeling unworthy of affection or struggle to navigate relationships with men, finding themselves drawn to partners who mirror the instability they experienced at home.


Self-Care for Children of Borderline Parents: How to Break the Cycle


Growing up with a borderline parent can create long-lasting emotional scars, but it’s important to remember that it’s possible to break the cycle. Here are some ways to prioritize self-care and heal from the impact of a borderline parent:


1. Understand Your Emotional Triggers


People raised by borderline parents often have strong emotional reactions to things like criticism, rejection, or emotional withdrawal. These triggers are rooted in childhood experiences and may cause disproportionate feelings of fear or anxiety in adulthood. By identifying these triggers and understanding their origin, you can begin to regulate your emotions and respond more mindfully in your relationships.


2. Set Healthy Boundaries


Setting boundaries can be particularly challenging for children of borderline parents, as they may have grown up in an environment where boundaries were either nonexistent or violated. Learning to assert yourself and protect your emotional well-being is crucial. It’s okay to say “no” and prioritize your own needs, even if it feels uncomfortable at first.


3. Seek Therapy and Support


Therapy can be an invaluable tool for unpacking the emotional challenges that come with being raised by a borderline parent. Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) are especially helpful for individuals who struggle with emotional regulation and interpersonal issues. A therapist can help you work through past trauma, develop healthier coping mechanisms, and build stronger emotional resilience.

Additionally, joining support groups with others who have had similar experiences can provide validation and a sense of community. Connecting with others who understand can help you feel less isolated in your journey.


4. Practice Self-Compassion


Children of borderline parents often grow up feeling responsible for their parent’s emotional well-being. This can lead to feelings of shame or guilt, especially when you’re unable to “fix” your parent’s behavior. It’s important to practice self-compassion and remind yourself that you are not responsible for your parent’s actions or emotions. Healing takes time, and it’s okay to be kind to yourself as you work through your experiences.


5. Build Healthy Relationships


Forming healthy, supportive relationships is essential to breaking the cycle of dysfunction. Take your time in choosing friends and partners who respect your boundaries, communicate openly, and offer emotional stability. Remember that healthy relationships are built on mutual respect, trust, and emotional support—qualities that may not have been present in your childhood home.


Conclusion: Reclaiming Your Life


Being raised by a borderline parent can be challenging, but it does not have to define you. With the right tools, support, and self-care practices, it is possible to heal and build a life full of emotional balance, healthy relationships, and self-compassion. By understanding the impact of a borderline parent, setting healthy boundaries, and seeking therapy, you can break the cycle of emotional chaos and reclaim your peace. Healing is a journey, but with every step you take, you’re building a stronger, more resilient version of yourself. 💙


 

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