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Rewiring the Blues: How to Gently Train Your Brain Out of Persistent Sadness

  • Writer: Julie Barris | Crisis Counselor | Therapist-in-Training
    Julie Barris | Crisis Counselor | Therapist-in-Training
  • 5 hours ago

Persistent sadness can feel like an invisible weight—subtle but suffocating. You get through your daily tasks, meet responsibilities, even manage a smile when necessary. But underneath, there’s a quiet ache, a low hum of emotional heaviness that doesn’t lift. It’s not quite depression, not quite contentment. It’s the in-between—and many people are living there without realizing how much it’s draining them. But here’s the light at the end of that long tunnel: if your brain learned this sadness, it can also unlearn it.

Rewiring the Blues: How to Gently Train Your Brain Out of Persistent Sadness

Our brains are creatures of habit. Think of yours like a record player: the more a particular song is played, the deeper the grooves get. When sadness becomes a regular emotional response—due to trauma, stress, or even childhood experiences—your brain memorizes it. Over time, these patterns become the default. Thoughts like “I’m never enough” or “It won’t get better” may play without you even realizing it. This isn’t a personal flaw—it’s your brain trying to keep you safe in familiar territory. But there comes a time when we need to break the loop, and that’s where self-conditioning comes in.


What Is Self-Conditioning?


Self-conditioning is the intentional act of retraining your brain to respond differently. Similar to how Pavlov taught dogs to associate a bell with food, we can teach our brains to associate certain activities, thoughts, or environments with better emotional states. It’s not about pretending everything is fine—it’s about gently creating new associations that help the brain feel safer, calmer, and more open to joy. You’re not forcing yourself to be happy. You’re giving your nervous system new options.


How to Start Rewiring Your Emotional Default


Interrupt the Pattern Gently:


The first step is awareness. When you catch yourself sinking into sadness, don’t scold yourself or try to suppress it. Just notice it. Say to yourself, “I feel heavy right now.” Naming the emotion helps create space between you and the feeling. It’s not who you are—it’s just something you're experiencing.


Create Small Positive Associations:


Look for ways to pair neutral or positive experiences with simple sensory cues. Light a candle and say a comforting mantra. Play music while doing dishes. Sit in sunlight and breathe deeply. These tiny pairings help the brain associate mundane moments with calm and safety. Over time, these experiences rewire your nervous system and help create new, more hopeful grooves.


Use Micro-Rewards:


The brain responds well to even the smallest rewards. Every time you do something that’s good for you—like getting out of bed, stretching, responding to a text—acknowledge it. Say “That was brave,” or check off a box. It may feel insignificant, but celebrating the smallest wins teaches your brain to associate effort with success, which builds resilience over time.


Practice Thought Swapping:


When a negative thought appears, try adding a gentle follow-up. If you think, “Nothing will change,” you can add, “…but some things already have.” This isn’t about denying hard feelings. It’s about creating space for multiple truths. Your sadness might be valid, but it doesn’t have to be the only voice in the room.


Schedule “Emotional Rehearsals”:


Take 2–3 minutes a day to visualize yourself feeling safe, joyful, or peaceful. Imagine yourself smiling, laughing, or walking confidently. The brain doesn’t distinguish much between imagined and real experiences—so this practice helps it rehearse new ways of being. These emotional rehearsals build memory and readiness for real-life moments of peace when they arrive.



Why This Works


All of these practices are based on the brain’s natural ability to adapt, known as neuroplasticity. The same way your mind learned sadness as a survival response, it can now learn calm, confidence, and lightness. You’re not erasing sadness—you’re just showing your brain that there are other emotions available, too. And as these practices grow into habits, you’ll notice small changes: moments of stillness, easier breaths, thoughts that don’t spiral so fast. Those moments are the building blocks of healing.


Affirmations to Rewire the Mind


  • “This moment isn’t forever.”

  • “I’m allowed to feel good again.”

  • “I can learn a new way of being.”

  • “My brain is learning peace.”

  • “I am more than what I feel right now.”


Repeating affirmations may feel strange at first, but they serve as small anchor points for your identity and healing. Even if you don’t believe them yet—say them. The belief can come later.



Final Thought


What if your persistent sadness isn’t a flaw in who you are—but a habit your mind is ready to outgrow? And if that’s true… what’s one small, loving cue you could offer your brain today?


 

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The Whale: A Wake-Up Call for Self-Acceptance and the Dangerous Delusion of Escaping Reality

  • Writer: Julie Barris | Crisis Counselor | Therapist-in-Training
    Julie Barris | Crisis Counselor | Therapist-in-Training
  • Feb 9
The Whale: A Wake-Up Call for Self-Acceptance and the Dangerous Delusion of Escaping Reality

Darren Aronofsky's The Whale is a harrowing exploration of pain, guilt, and self-destruction. With Brendan Fraser’s powerful portrayal of Charlie, a man suffering from morbid obesity, the film delves deep into the complexity of human relationships, especially the strained bond between Charlie and his estranged daughter. But beyond the emotional weight of Charlie's struggles, the film also subtly challenges our perceptions of addiction, particularly through the lens of his daughter’s marijuana use. While this element of the story may seem secondary, it offers a sharp commentary on how substances, such as marijuana, are often used as a way to numb pain—and how they ultimately hinder true healing.


The Illusion of Escape: Marijuana as a Coping Mechanism


One of the key emotional undercurrents of The Whale is the daughter’s use of marijuana, which she relies on to escape the overwhelming emotions she’s too afraid to confront. Though the film doesn’t directly focus on her addiction, her reliance on marijuana serves as a quiet but potent symbol of avoidance. By using marijuana, she creates a temporary buffer from her inner turmoil and the unresolved anger she holds toward her father. However, much like Charlie's struggles with food, this coping mechanism offers only a fleeting sense of relief.


The way The Whale portrays marijuana use in this context underlines an important, often overlooked point: substances might provide short-term escape, but they never truly address the underlying pain. The film doesn't glamorize or trivialize marijuana use, nor does it offer a simplistic view of addiction. Instead, it shows how these distractions merely allow the characters to perpetuate cycles of avoidance and emotional stagnation—while ultimately leaving them stuck in their pain.



The Power of Self-Acceptance


At the heart of The Whale lies a deeper message about self-acceptance and the healing that comes from confronting our own truths. Charlie’s journey, though filled with intense shame and self-loathing, highlights the significance of accepting who we are—flaws and all. His story is a reminder that true healing isn’t found in hiding from our emotions or seeking external fixes, but in embracing the parts of ourselves we’ve been taught to hide or reject.


The film subtly contrasts Charlie’s inner turmoil with his daughter’s struggles, particularly her inability to accept the reality of their fractured relationship. Both characters cling to illusions—Charlie to the belief that his body can provide protection from emotional pain, and his daughter to the hope that marijuana can keep her from facing the truth of their past. Yet, both find themselves suffocating under the weight of these illusions, unable to move forward until they face the truth.


Charlie’s path to redemption isn’t found in finding an external solution or having someone "save" him—it’s in realizing that only he can save himself through the slow, painful process of self-acceptance.


Only You Can Save Yourself


The Whale makes a sobering point: while we may lean on substances, food, people, or other distractions in an attempt to escape our pain, ultimately, we are the ones who must do the difficult work of healing. No one can rescue us from the darkness we face except ourselves. It’s only by confronting our inner demons—accepting the things we’ve tried to avoid—that we can begin to move toward real change.


Charlie’s story demonstrates the profound impact that self-acceptance can have on our mental health and overall well-being. The film is a stark reminder that healing is not an easy road, nor is it a quick fix. It requires us to face the parts of ourselves we most want to run from and, in doing so, reclaim the power to heal.


An Eye-Opening Question


As we watch Charlie struggle with his past and his daughter’s painful detachment, we are left with one compelling question: How often do we rely on distractions—whether it’s substances, relationships, or unhealthy coping mechanisms—to escape our own pain, and what might happen if we dared to face our truth and practice self-acceptance instead?


 

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Parenting Stress and Childhood Trauma: How Triggers Affect Relationships and Mental Health

  • Writer: Julie Barris | Crisis Counselor | Therapist-in-Training
    Julie Barris | Crisis Counselor | Therapist-in-Training
  • Jan 12

Parenting stress can be overwhelming, especially when childhood trauma triggers unresolved emotions and anxieties. These triggers often create a cycle of emotional strain that not only affects the parent-child dynamic but can also put a significant strain on relationships with partners.

Parenting Stress and Childhood Trauma: How Triggers Affect Relationships and Mental Health

Parenting is often seen as one of the most rewarding yet challenging roles in life. It’s filled with moments of joy, pride, and profound love. However, for many parents, there is an invisible and silent weight lurking beneath the surface—a weight that has its roots deep in their own childhood experiences.


For those who experienced trauma as children, the pressures of parenting can often trigger unexpected emotional responses. The stress of raising children, combined with unresolved trauma, can create a perfect storm of emotional chaos that not only affects the parent but can inadvertently influence the child’s emotional landscape and even strain relationships with partners.


Understanding the Intersection: Childhood Trauma, Parenting Stress, and Relationship Conflict


Trauma, whether physical, emotional, or psychological, can profoundly shape a person’s emotional and mental framework. For many parents, the triggers of their childhood trauma—such as abandonment, abuse, neglect, or emotional invalidation—can resurface when they become caregivers themselves. Certain behaviors or actions of their children may unknowingly trigger deep-seated fears, anxieties, or anger rooted in past experiences.


This can create an emotional paradox: as a parent, you desperately want to provide love, stability, and emotional safety for your children, but your own unresolved trauma can make that difficult. You may feel overwhelmed by stress, trapped by emotions that feel too big to handle, or worried that you are failing your child by repeating patterns you promised yourself you would break.


The challenge here lies in the fact that trauma triggers don’t always manifest as visible or logical responses. A child’s tantrum or an innocent comment from a partner can send a parent into a spiral of heightened anxiety, frustration, or even anger. They may find themselves overreacting or withdrawing in ways that don’t align with their intentions or desires as a parent. The result is a constant feeling of being on edge—a feeling of emotional burnout.


Unfortunately, this emotional turbulence often spills over into relationships. Partners, especially, can feel the strain. When one parent is triggered by unresolved trauma, it can create misunderstandings and lead to conflict. What might seem like a small issue—like a disagreement over how to handle a child’s behavior—can quickly escalate into a much larger argument. The parent carrying the emotional burden of trauma may become defensive, reactive, or emotionally distant, while the partner may feel helpless or frustrated.


The Cycle of Stress, Self-Blame, and Partner Conflict


One of the most painful parts of this process is the internal battle that many parents face when trauma triggers arise. On the one hand, the parent is trying to do their best. They are desperately trying to break free from the cycles of trauma they experienced as children. On the other hand, they are confronted with the harsh reality that their unresolved trauma is sabotaging their efforts.


This leads to a toxic cycle of stress, guilt, self-blame, and, often, conflict within the partnership. When a parent struggles to manage their emotional triggers, they may experience feelings of inadequacy, shame, and frustration. They might wonder why it’s so difficult for them to stay calm or why they are unable to provide the kind of safe, loving environment they dream of for their children.


This self-blame can be crippling, and it often spills into interactions with their partner. The parent may become irritable, withdraw emotionally, or push their partner away, fearing that they are being judged or criticized. In turn, the partner may feel neglected, unheard, or unappreciated, leading to further tension in the relationship.


The partner might struggle to understand the intense emotional reactions or the unexplained triggers, and their attempts to help or support might be met with resistance, frustration, or defensiveness. This can create a rift, as the couple grapples with an emotional disconnect that neither knows how to bridge. Over time, this ongoing conflict can erode the relationship and add even more stress to the already overwhelming responsibilities of parenting.


Breaking the Cycle: How to Cope with Parenting Stress, Trauma Triggers, and Relationship Conflict


Although parenting while carrying the weight of childhood trauma is undeniably difficult, there are ways to begin healing and breaking the cycle. Here are some steps that may help parents better manage trauma triggers, stress, and relationship conflicts:


1. Recognize Your Triggers


The first step in managing trauma responses is to become aware of your triggers. Pay attention to moments when you feel overwhelmed, angry, or anxious, and try to identify what specifically set off these emotions. By recognizing your triggers, you can begin to differentiate between the present moment with your child and the past trauma that may be re-emerging in your mind.


2. Communicate with Your Partner


Open communication is key. It’s crucial to share with your partner the challenges you’re facing in managing your emotions and how childhood trauma triggers affect you. This is not about making excuses for your behavior but about explaining the emotional undercurrents that are often invisible to others. By being vulnerable and honest, you invite understanding and empathy into the relationship. It’s important for your partner to know that your reactions are not a reflection of their actions, but rather the result of unresolved trauma that you’re working through.


3. Seek Professional Support Together


Couples therapy or individual therapy can provide the tools to manage the emotional fallout from trauma and parenting stress. Therapy can help each partner understand the other’s emotional needs, especially when trauma is involved. It can also teach healthy coping mechanisms, conflict resolution strategies, and ways to manage stress together as a team.


4. Practice Grounding Techniques and Self-Care


When stress levels rise, grounding techniques can help you stay in the present moment. Techniques like deep breathing, mindfulness, or even simply focusing on a physical object in your environment can help regulate your emotional state. These practices allow you to manage overwhelming feelings without reacting in a way that might harm your relationship with your partner or child. Additionally, make self-care a priority—whether it’s a quiet walk, a hot bath, or time spent alone to recharge. Taking care of your mental health ensures that you’re able to show up for your family in a healthy and balanced way.


5. Build a Support System


It’s vital to have a strong support system in place—friends, family members, or online communities that can provide emotional support when needed. Talking to others who understand your experience can help you feel less alone and give you a safe space to express your frustrations and challenges.


6. Be Kind to Yourself


Self-compassion is crucial. Acknowledge that being a parent is a complex, demanding, and sometimes overwhelming job, especially when you’re carrying the weight of past trauma. Recognize that it’s okay to not be perfect. Allow yourself room to make mistakes and to learn as you go. Healing is a gradual process, and it’s okay to ask for help when you need it.


The Ripple Effect: How Parenting Stress Affects Your Child and Relationship


The impact of a parent’s unresolved trauma and the stress they experience can ripple through their relationship with their child and partner. Children are highly sensitive to emotional cues and can pick up on their parent’s anxiety, anger, or emotional withdrawal. Partners, too, are attuned to changes in emotional dynamics, and they may feel the strain when their spouse is emotionally distant or reactive.


However, it’s important to note that breaking the cycle is not only about avoiding the repetition of trauma but also about creating new, healthier patterns for the child and the relationship. When parents become aware of their trauma triggers and work toward healing, they create space for emotional growth—not just for themselves, but for their children and their partner as well. Modeling self-care, emotional regulation, and healthy coping mechanisms can teach children how to navigate their own emotions and create healthier relationships as they grow older.



The Path Forward: Are We Willing to Break the Silence?


Parenting is undeniably a deeply complex and emotional journey, and for those with a history of childhood trauma, the stakes are even higher. The question remains: Are we willing to break the silence surrounding trauma and parenting stress, and take the necessary steps to heal ourselves, repair our relationships, and support our children in the process?


Healing begins with acknowledging the weight we carry and realizing that asking for help, recognizing triggers, and prioritizing self-compassion are all part of the journey. The more we talk openly about the difficulties of parenting, trauma, and relationship strain, the less alone parents will feel, and the more equipped they’ll be to break the cycle and provide the safe, loving environment every child deserves.


Eye-Opening Question:


How can you begin to repair the emotional disconnect in your relationship, and what steps can you take today to start healing the trauma that is impacting your ability to parent effectively? How might addressing your trauma not only improve your mental health but also enhance your relationship with your partner and children?


 

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