Emotional Distance | Moody Melon Magazine

From Guarded to Growing: How Your Childhood Walls Could Be Blocking Your Marriage

Julie Barris | Crisis Counselor | Therapist-in-Training
17 hours ago

Childhood walls built to protect us from pain can quietly follow us into adulthood, shaping how we love and how close we allow others to get. When we begin to understand and gently dismantle our childhood walls, we create space for deeper connection, healing, and intimacy in our relationships.

From Guarded to Growing: How Your Childhood Walls Could Be Blocking Your Marriage

Do you ever find yourself pulling away when your partner gets too close—emotionally, not just physically? Or shutting down during conflict, saying, “I’m fine,” when you’re anything but? You may be operating from a script written long before you ever fell in love.

The truth is, the way we were raised doesn’t just influence how we see the world—it shapes how we relate to the people we care about most. If your childhood taught you that vulnerability equals danger, you may have unconsciously built emotional walls. While those walls once protected you, they could now be keeping love out.

The Silent Blueprint: How Childhood Shapes Our Defenses

Childhood is when we first learn how to connect—or disconnect. If your parents or caregivers were emotionally unavailable, unpredictable, critical, or even just emotionally overwhelmed themselves, your nervous system adapted. You learned what was “safe” in relationships based on what your environment demanded of you.

For example:

If you were punished or ignored for showing emotion, you may have learned to shut down and internalize pain.
If love felt conditional—based on achievement, behavior, or emotional compliance—you may have developed a hyper-independence or people-pleasing style.
If trust was repeatedly broken, you may now expect abandonment or betrayal, even from someone who’s proven trustworthy.

These are not flaws. They are adaptations. But while they may have helped you survive emotionally, they can now sabotage your ability to fully thrive in a relationship.

Love Behind the Wall: The Problem With Staying Guarded

Being emotionally guarded doesn’t mean you don’t love deeply—it often means you love so deeply that you fear being hurt again. But here's the paradox: the very strategies we use to protect ourselves from pain (withdrawing, staying "strong," avoiding conflict) often end up creating the very disconnection we fear most.

You might:

Struggle to express needs or fears.
Avoid initiating intimacy or important conversations.
Assume your partner “should just know” how you feel.
Feel disconnected even when everything seems “fine” on the outside.

These behaviors can leave your partner feeling confused, unappreciated, or shut out—while you might feel frustrated that they don't "get you." Over time, this emotional gap can quietly erode connection, creating loneliness within the relationship itself.

Click to Learn About The Armor We Outgrow: Learning to Let Vulnerability In

Lowering the Shield: Small Steps Toward Emotional Openness

The idea of being vulnerable can feel terrifying if your childhood taught you that doing so wasn’t safe. But vulnerability doesn’t mean exposure without boundaries—it means letting yourself be seen, little by little, in an environment of care.

Here are a few ways to begin:

Notice your patterns: Start observing your emotional habits in moments of stress or closeness. Do you go silent? Get defensive? Do you intellectualize your feelings instead of sharing them?
Name the origin: Reflect on where those patterns began. Were emotions discouraged in your household? Did you feel unsafe when being honest as a child?
Start small: Vulnerability doesn’t mean spilling everything all at once. Try sharing something small, like “I had a hard day, and I just need a little comfort tonight,” and see how your partner responds.
Let your partner in: If you're comfortable, explain your hesitations. A simple “I’m not always great at this, but I’m trying to be more open” can create powerful intimacy.
Get curious, not critical: When you catch yourself retreating, pause and ask, “What am I protecting right now?” Compassionate self-awareness is a key step toward change.
Seek support: Therapy—especially emotionally focused therapy (EFT) or trauma-informed approaches—can help you rewire patterns of disconnection in a safe space.

The Payoff: More Connection, More Joy

When you begin softening your defenses, you create room for real intimacy—not just coexisting, but truly knowing and being known.

You may begin to experience:

Deeper emotional conversations.
A stronger sense of safety and belonging.
Fewer miscommunications or assumptions.
More ease in asking for comfort, help, or support.

You’ll also likely notice a shift in your own internal world. Lowering your guard doesn’t mean losing control—it means giving yourself permission to receive love, not just give it.

Click to Learn About When Love Feels Like a Struggle: Can You Thrive in an Incompatible Marriage? The Answer is YES!

Closing Thought

If your childhood taught you to stay guarded to survive, what would it feel like to finally feel safe enough to let love in—and grow?

How to Turn Your Marriage 360: Rekindle the Spark with These Simple Steps

Julie Barris | Crisis Counselor | Therapist-in-Training
Apr 4

With a few simple changes and a fresh perspective, you can turn your marriage 360 and reignite the passion that brought you together in the first place.

How to Turn Your Marriage 360: Rekindle the Spark with These Simple Steps

Marriage is one of life’s most beautiful journeys—but like any long road, it can sometimes get bumpy. Whether you’re facing communication breakdowns, emotional distance, or just the routine of everyday life, relationships can lose their spark. But here's the good news: With a little effort, patience, and a fresh perspective, you can reignite that connection and turn your marriage around—360 degrees.

The Key: Starting with a Clean Slate

When things start to feel stagnant or distant, it’s easy to build up resentment. Past mistakes, old arguments, or unmet expectations can create emotional baggage that weighs heavily on the relationship. The ultimate key to turning things around is simple but powerful: Start with a clean slate.

It might sound like a tall order, but wiping the slate clean doesn’t mean forgetting the past—it means choosing to let go of past grudges and focusing on the present. In any healthy relationship, both partners need to actively choose forgiveness and open themselves to new opportunities for growth.

Tip 1: Don’t Seek Perfection—Seek Growth

We often expect perfection from our partners, but the truth is, nobody is perfect—not even you. When you let go of unrealistic expectations, you free yourself and your partner from unnecessary pressure.

A marriage thrives when both partners can accept each other’s flaws and learn to grow together. Instead of seeing mistakes as failures, view them as opportunities to learn. If your spouse forgets an anniversary or messes up a household chore, don’t let it turn into a major issue. Instead, use it as an opportunity to communicate your needs and find a solution together. Small moments of imperfection are not signs of failure; they are simply part of the human experience.

Example: If your spouse tends to leave their clothes around the house, instead of getting upset, have a conversation about the small changes that would make you feel more respected. Perhaps you could come up with a shared system that works for both of you—like a designated basket or putting a reminder on the calendar for tidying up.

Tip 2: Communicate Openly and Honestly

Effective communication is the foundation of any strong relationship. Unfortunately, over time, couples can fall into patterns of passive-aggressive behavior, silent treatment, or avoidance. To rekindle the fire, make a conscious effort to communicate openly and honestly about your thoughts, feelings, and needs.

Example: After a busy workday, instead of ignoring each other or giving brief responses, make it a habit to share how you each feel emotionally. “I’m feeling a little stressed with work lately” or “I miss spending time with you” can open doors to meaningful conversations. These moments can help deepen your connection and keep the lines of communication open.

Tip 3: Prioritize Quality Time Together

Life gets busy, and it's easy for couples to drift apart as they juggle careers, kids, and other commitments. But making time for each other—away from distractions—is essential. Plan date nights, take spontaneous weekend trips, or even just have a quiet evening at home, free from screens and interruptions.

Example: Once a week, schedule a "technology-free" evening where you both cook dinner together, play a board game, or even take a walk. The goal isn’t to entertain, but to reconnect. The less time spent with distractions, the more meaningful your time together becomes.

Tip 4: Learn to Forgive and Let Go

Forgiveness is one of the most powerful tools for healing any relationship. Holding onto grudges or revisiting past mistakes only prevents growth and damages the bond between partners. To truly turn your marriage around, it’s crucial to forgive—not just your spouse, but yourself, too.

Example: If your partner has made a mistake, instead of revisiting the issue repeatedly, acknowledge it, discuss how it made you feel, and then let it go. Let your partner know you’ve forgiven them. You can then shift the conversation to what’s next in your relationship, focusing on how you can move forward in a healthy, positive way.

Tip 5: Focus on Small Gestures of Love

Rekindling the spark in your marriage doesn’t require grand gestures or extravagant trips—it’s often the small things that make the biggest difference. A compliment, a surprise cup of coffee in the morning, a hand squeeze during a walk, or a simple “I love you” can go a long way in keeping the connection alive.

Example: Leave a sweet note in your partner’s bag or on the bathroom mirror. Or surprise them with their favorite snack after a long day. These little actions show that you’re thinking of them and care deeply, which reinforces the emotional bond.

Tip 6: Embrace Change as Part of the Journey

People change. Sometimes, that change is subtle, and other times, it’s more pronounced. Accepting that both you and your partner will evolve over time is essential to a long-lasting, thriving marriage. Instead of resisting change, embrace it. Support each other through the transformation, and be open to new ways of relating to one another.

Example: Maybe your partner recently got a new job, and the shift in their routine has altered your home dynamic. Rather than resisting this change, acknowledge it and have a conversation about how you can adjust together. Embrace the new growth, whether it's exploring new hobbies, supporting career shifts, or tackling challenges as a team.

The Bottom Line: Love Isn’t Perfection; It’s Progress

Marriage is not about creating a flawless relationship—it’s about progress, growth, and learning how to love more deeply through both the good times and the challenges. By letting go of the need for perfection, choosing forgiveness, and embracing the lessons that come with each obstacle, you create a healthier, more vibrant bond that can withstand the test of time.

So here’s the real question: What small change can you make today to rekindle the spark in your marriage and start the journey toward a deeper, more fulfilling connection?

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