From Guarded to Growing: How Your Childhood Walls Could Be Blocking Your Marriage

Childhood walls built to protect us from pain can quietly follow us into adulthood, shaping how we love and how close we allow others to get. When we begin to understand and gently dismantle our childhood walls, we create space for deeper connection, healing, and intimacy in our relationships.

Do you ever find yourself pulling away when your partner gets too close—emotionally, not just physically? Or shutting down during conflict, saying, “I’m fine,” when you’re anything but? You may be operating from a script written long before you ever fell in love.

The truth is, the way we were raised doesn’t just influence how we see the world—it shapes how we relate to the people we care about most. If your childhood taught you that vulnerability equals danger, you may have unconsciously built emotional walls. While those walls once protected you, they could now be keeping love out.

The Silent Blueprint: How Childhood Shapes Our Defenses

Childhood is when we first learn how to connect—or disconnect. If your parents or caregivers were emotionally unavailable, unpredictable, critical, or even just emotionally overwhelmed themselves, your nervous system adapted. You learned what was “safe” in relationships based on what your environment demanded of you.

For example:

• If you were punished or ignored for showing emotion, you may have learned to shut down and internalize pain.

  
  

• If love felt conditional—based on achievement, behavior, or emotional compliance—you may have developed a hyper-independence or people-pleasing style.

  
  

• If trust was repeatedly broken, you may now expect abandonment or betrayal, even from someone who’s proven trustworthy.

  
  

These are not flaws. They are adaptations. But while they may have helped you survive emotionally, they can now sabotage your ability to fully thrive in a relationship.

Love Behind the Wall: The Problem With Staying Guarded

Being emotionally guarded doesn’t mean you don’t love deeply—it often means you love so deeply that you fear being hurt again. But here's the paradox: the very strategies we use to protect ourselves from pain (withdrawing, staying "strong," avoiding conflict) often end up creating the very disconnection we fear most.

You might:

• Struggle to express needs or fears.

  
  

• Avoid initiating intimacy or important conversations.

  
  

• Assume your partner “should just know” how you feel.

  
  

• Feel disconnected even when everything seems “fine” on the outside.

  
  

These behaviors can leave your partner feeling confused, unappreciated, or shut out—while you might feel frustrated that they don't "get you." Over time, this emotional gap can quietly erode connection, creating loneliness within the relationship itself.

Click to Learn About The Armor We Outgrow: Learning to Let Vulnerability In

Lowering the Shield: Small Steps Toward Emotional Openness

The idea of being vulnerable can feel terrifying if your childhood taught you that doing so wasn’t safe. But vulnerability doesn’t mean exposure without boundaries—it means letting yourself be seen, little by little, in an environment of care.

Here are a few ways to begin:

• Notice your patterns: Start observing your emotional habits in moments of stress or closeness. Do you go silent? Get defensive? Do you intellectualize your feelings instead of sharing them?

  
  

• Name the origin: Reflect on where those patterns began. Were emotions discouraged in your household? Did you feel unsafe when being honest as a child?

  
  

• Start small: Vulnerability doesn’t mean spilling everything all at once. Try sharing something small, like “I had a hard day, and I just need a little comfort tonight,” and see how your partner responds.

  
  

• Let your partner in: If you're comfortable, explain your hesitations. A simple “I’m not always great at this, but I’m trying to be more open” can create powerful intimacy.

  
  

• Get curious, not critical: When you catch yourself retreating, pause and ask, “What am I protecting right now?” Compassionate self-awareness is a key step toward change.

  
  

• Seek support: Therapy—especially emotionally focused therapy (EFT) or trauma-informed approaches—can help you rewire patterns of disconnection in a safe space.

  
  

The Payoff: More Connection, More Joy

When you begin softening your defenses, you create room for real intimacy—not just coexisting, but truly knowing and being known.

You may begin to experience:

• Deeper emotional conversations.

  
  

• A stronger sense of safety and belonging.

  
  

• Fewer miscommunications or assumptions.

  
  

• More ease in asking for comfort, help, or support.

  
  

You’ll also likely notice a shift in your own internal world. Lowering your guard doesn’t mean losing control—it means giving yourself permission to receive love, not just give it.

Click to Learn About When Love Feels Like a Struggle: Can You Thrive in an Incompatible Marriage? The Answer is YES!

Closing Thought

If your childhood taught you to stay guarded to survive, what would it feel like to finally feel safe enough to let love in—and grow?

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How Childhood Modeling Shapes Teen Depression and Isolation

Childhood modeling shapes teen depression by teaching children—often unconsciously—how to respond to stress, conflict, and emotional discomfort through the behaviors they observe in adults. When teens isolate or shut down emotionally, it's often not just a phase, but a pattern rooted in early learned behaviors.

Picture this: a teenager is locked in their room, headphones in, eyes on a screen, avoiding not just homework but everyone in the house. You might label it “typical teen behavior.” But what if this quiet withdrawal is more than just hormones or mood swings? What if it’s a deeply learned response—one modeled years earlier by the adults around them?

Click to Learn About How Childhood Modeling Shapes Social Anxiety: Are We Setting the Stage for Fear?

Isolation Is Often Taught, Not Chosen

Research and anecdotal stories alike point to a hidden truth: how we cope with stress as adults is often how we model coping for our children. Teens who isolate when depressed may not have consciously chosen to shut down—they may simply be mirroring the emotional patterns they witnessed in childhood.

When toddlers see a parent go silent or retreat under stress, they begin to form a script:

“When things get hard, you hide. You keep it inside. You deal with it alone.”

This isn’t about blame—it’s about awareness. Because once we understand the roots, we can start to change the story.

Teaching Coping Skills Early On

Kids are far more observant than we give them credit for. They may not understand our words, but they absolutely absorb our energy, tone, and actions. That’s why building emotional resilience can start as early as the toddler years.

Here are a few ways parents and caregivers can model healthier stress responses:

• Name emotions out loud: "I feel really frustrated right now, so I’m going to take three deep breaths to calm down."

  
  

• Model taking breaks: “I need some quiet time, but I’m not upset with you. I’ll check in after I feel better.”

  
  

• Apologize and explain: After a stressful moment, say, “I was really overwhelmed earlier. I’m working on better ways to handle it.”

  
  

• Praise openness: When your child talks about their feelings, acknowledge it with kindness: “Thank you for telling me how you feel. That’s brave and important.”

  
  

Mindfulness Isn’t Just for Adults

Mindfulness practices, even simple ones, can make a huge difference in how children grow to manage anxiety, sadness, or frustration. And they don’t have to be boring or overly structured!

Try:

• “Bubble breathing”: Pretend to blow bubbles—breathe in slowly, breathe out even slower.

  
  

• Emotion charades: Make a game of identifying and acting out feelings. Teach the language of emotion.

  
  

• Gratitude jars: Encourage a daily habit of writing or drawing one thing they’re thankful for.

  
  

When these habits start young, they become second nature.

Click to Learn About How Parental Modeling Shapes Emotion Regulation in Children

The Bigger Picture: Connection Before Correction

When a teen withdraws, our instinct might be to coax them out, push them to talk, or “fix” their mood. But if they’ve learned that emotions are private burdens—not shared experiences—they may need help unlearning that first.

Start with presence over pressure. Let them know they’re not alone, even if they don’t want to talk. Sometimes just saying, “I'm here when you're ready,” is more powerful than any pep talk.

Ask Yourself This

What silent lessons might your child be learning from the way you handle stress?

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Surviving the Storm: Navigating Life as a Child of a Borderline Parent

Life as a child of a borderline parent can feel like walking on emotional eggshells, never knowing what mood or behavior you'll face next. The unpredictability and intensity of such a home environment can leave lasting scars, making it difficult to trust others or form stable relationships in adulthood.

Growing up in a household with a parent diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) can feel like living in a constant emotional whirlwind. The unpredictability, emotional intensity, and occasional volatility can leave deep imprints on a child’s mental health and sense of self. As an adult, you may find yourself navigating your own mental health struggles, emotional triggers, and complex relationships, all while trying to understand the effects of being raised by a parent with BPD.

What Is Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)?

Borderline Personality Disorder, according to the DSM-5 (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders), is characterized by a pervasive pattern of instability in interpersonal relationships, self-image, and emotions. This instability often leads to impulsive behaviors, emotional dysregulation, and difficulty maintaining relationships.

The DSM-5 diagnostic criteria for BPD include:

1. Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. This can manifest in extreme emotional reactions or actions to prevent perceived rejection or abandonment.

   
   

2. A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation (known as "splitting").

   
   

3. Identity disturbance: A marked and persistent unstable self-image or sense of self, which can lead to sudden changes in goals, values, or career plans.

   
   

4. Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating).

   
   

5. Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior (e.g., cutting, burning).

   
   

6. Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodes of dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety lasting a few hours and rarely more than a few days).

   
   

7. Chronic feelings of emptiness, which can lead to a sense of numbness or an unfulfilled emotional void.

   
   

8. Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, or physical fights).

   
   

9. Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms.

   
   

For a child growing up with a borderline parent, these behaviors can create an unpredictable environment that makes it difficult to feel safe, loved, or secure. As a result, children of borderline parents often face emotional challenges that can affect their own relationships, self-esteem, and emotional regulation.

Borderline Mother vs. Borderline Father: How the Impact Differs

While the effects of being raised by a borderline parent can be significant regardless of the parent’s gender, there are some key differences in how a borderline mother and father may impact a child’s development.

A Borderline Mother

A mother with BPD may create an environment where emotional support is inconsistent, leading to feelings of confusion and insecurity. A borderline mother might:

• Demand constant validation: A child may feel like their worth is based entirely on their ability to meet their mother’s emotional needs. This can lead to feelings of guilt or inadequacy when they fail to provide the validation she craves.

  
  

• Use emotional manipulation: Intense moods, sudden outbursts, or periods of emotional withdrawal can leave the child feeling like they’re walking on eggshells, unsure of how to “keep the peace.”

  
  

• Parentification: In some cases, a child might feel responsible for the mother’s emotional well-being, which can place undue pressure on them and interfere with healthy emotional development.

  
  

Children of borderline mothers often struggle with issues of self-worth and may have difficulty setting boundaries in relationships later in life. They may also experience challenges in trusting others or in maintaining a sense of emotional stability.

A Borderline Father

A father with BPD may create an environment where fear, anger, or withdrawal dominate the household. The impact on children may include:

• Emotional volatility and anger: A borderline father might express love in extreme ways, alternating between affection and intense anger. This can lead to confusion, as the child struggles to reconcile the love and aggression they experience.

  
  

• Fear of abandonment: Just as borderline mothers may have a fear of abandonment, so too might a borderline father, but he may react in more controlling or neglectful ways, leaving the child feeling emotionally rejected or lost.

  
  

• Inconsistent parenting: The child may never know what to expect from their father, leading to a lack of structure and stability in their emotional development. This inconsistency can impact the child’s ability to form secure attachments in future relationships.

  
  

Children of borderline fathers may grow up feeling unworthy of affection or struggle to navigate relationships with men, finding themselves drawn to partners who mirror the instability they experienced at home.

Self-Care for Children of Borderline Parents: How to Break the Cycle

Growing up with a borderline parent can create long-lasting emotional scars, but it’s important to remember that it’s possible to break the cycle. Here are some ways to prioritize self-care and heal from the impact of a borderline parent:

1. Understand Your Emotional Triggers

People raised by borderline parents often have strong emotional reactions to things like criticism, rejection, or emotional withdrawal. These triggers are rooted in childhood experiences and may cause disproportionate feelings of fear or anxiety in adulthood. By identifying these triggers and understanding their origin, you can begin to regulate your emotions and respond more mindfully in your relationships.

2. Set Healthy Boundaries

Setting boundaries can be particularly challenging for children of borderline parents, as they may have grown up in an environment where boundaries were either nonexistent or violated. Learning to assert yourself and protect your emotional well-being is crucial. It’s okay to say “no” and prioritize your own needs, even if it feels uncomfortable at first.

3. Seek Therapy and Support

Therapy can be an invaluable tool for unpacking the emotional challenges that come with being raised by a borderline parent. Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) are especially helpful for individuals who struggle with emotional regulation and interpersonal issues. A therapist can help you work through past trauma, develop healthier coping mechanisms, and build stronger emotional resilience.

Additionally, joining support groups with others who have had similar experiences can provide validation and a sense of community. Connecting with others who understand can help you feel less isolated in your journey.

4. Practice Self-Compassion

Children of borderline parents often grow up feeling responsible for their parent’s emotional well-being. This can lead to feelings of shame or guilt, especially when you’re unable to “fix” your parent’s behavior. It’s important to practice self-compassion and remind yourself that you are not responsible for your parent’s actions or emotions. Healing takes time, and it’s okay to be kind to yourself as you work through your experiences.

5. Build Healthy Relationships

Forming healthy, supportive relationships is essential to breaking the cycle of dysfunction. Take your time in choosing friends and partners who respect your boundaries, communicate openly, and offer emotional stability. Remember that healthy relationships are built on mutual respect, trust, and emotional support—qualities that may not have been present in your childhood home.

Conclusion: Reclaiming Your Life

Being raised by a borderline parent can be challenging, but it does not have to define you. With the right tools, support, and self-care practices, it is possible to heal and build a life full of emotional balance, healthy relationships, and self-compassion. By understanding the impact of a borderline parent, setting healthy boundaries, and seeking therapy, you can break the cycle of emotional chaos and reclaim your peace. Healing is a journey, but with every step you take, you’re building a stronger, more resilient version of yourself. 💙

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