How Abandonment Issues Fuel the Push and Pull in Borderline Personality

The push and pull dynamic in Borderline Personality Disorder often leads individuals to both desperately seek connection and fear it at the same time. This internal conflict can create a cycle where the person alternates between pushing others away and pulling them back in, struggling to find stability in their relationships.

What if the root of our most challenging relationships lies in the deepest, unhealed parts of our childhood?

Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) often brings with it a wave of complex emotional experiences. Among the most significant of these is the chronic fear of abandonment—a fear that can shape relationships in the most painful, unpredictable ways. For those struggling with BPD, the impact of abandonment in childhood isn't just a past hurt; it becomes a constant shadow that lingers over every connection, shaping how they relate to others, and often leaving them caught in a push-and-pull cycle.

The Roots of Abandonment in Childhood

At its core, BPD is rooted in emotional dysregulation, which is deeply intertwined with childhood experiences of instability, neglect, or abandonment. Imagine being a child who, at a time when love and safety are vital, is left to fend emotionally for themselves. This lack of secure attachment can lead to a deep internal wound—one that screams for connection but fears it at the same time. The child grows up not knowing how to trust others or how to allow themselves to be loved fully.

Click to Learn About Navigating Life as a Child of a Borderline Parent

For individuals with BPD, the fear of abandonment doesn’t just exist in the back of their minds—it is front and center in their lives. The thought of being rejected or left alone can be so overwhelming that it triggers extreme reactions. When they sense even the smallest distance or perceived neglect in a relationship, they may push people away in a desperate attempt to avoid being hurt. On the flip side, when they feel abandoned or rejected, they may cling desperately, creating a paradox of wanting closeness but fearing it at the same time.

The Push and Pull: Why Can't I Let Go?

For someone with BPD, relationships can feel like a rollercoaster—full of intense highs and devastating lows. One moment, they may feel deeply connected to someone, and the next, a perceived slight can cause them to withdraw or lash out. This “push and pull” dynamic is the result of the intense emotional extremes they experience.

At the heart of it all is an internal battle: the desire for closeness and connection, combined with an overwhelming fear of abandonment. It’s a vicious cycle where love is both something to crave and something to fear. A person with BPD might push others away to avoid the pain of potential rejection, only to feel the loneliness of that very action and pull people back in, only to repeat the cycle.

This pattern isn’t just difficult for the person with BPD, but also for their loved ones who struggle to understand the emotional intensity and inconsistency. They might feel confused or helpless when their partner or friend pulls away, only to later demand all of their attention and reassurance. The back-and-forth nature of these relationships can often feel emotionally draining for both parties involved.

Healing the Wounds of Abandonment

Healing from the emotional wounds caused by abandonment is complex but possible. Therapy, particularly Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), has proven to be one of the most effective treatments for people with BPD. DBT helps individuals develop emotional regulation skills, allowing them to recognize and manage their intense feelings, while also teaching strategies for building healthy, trusting relationships.

Click to Learn About Understanding and Managing Abandonment Fears and Anger in Borderline Personality Disorder

Another important aspect of healing involves self-compassion. For many with BPD, the inner critic can be just as harsh as the external fears of abandonment. Learning to accept and care for oneself—without relying on others to fill that emotional void—is key to breaking free from the cycle of abandonment fear.

Support groups can also be instrumental in the healing process, allowing individuals to share their experiences with others who truly understand the pain of living with BPD. In these spaces, the person with BPD can find validation, reassurance, and a sense of belonging, helping them to combat the loneliness and isolation that often accompany their disorder.

Moving Forward: What Does True Connection Look Like?

It’s important to remember that while BPD is deeply rooted in childhood trauma, it does not have to define one’s future. With proper treatment, emotional growth, and a supportive network, individuals with BPD can develop healthier, more stable relationships and begin to rebuild their sense of self-worth.

If you or someone you love struggles with abandonment fears and relationship instability, it’s crucial to recognize that healing is possible. The journey may be long, but it’s worth it for the possibility of lasting connection and peace.

Are we ready to break the cycle of fear and embrace the realness of love, trust, and connection?

💬 Ready to start your own healing journey?

Book a session with one of our compassionate therapists at Moody Melon Counseling. We’re here when you’re ready. 🍉

 [Schedule Now]

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• Navigating Life with CPTSD and Reclaiming Your Future

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How to Turn Your Marriage 360: Rekindle the Spark with These Simple Steps

With a few simple changes and a fresh perspective, you can turn your marriage 360 and reignite the passion that brought you together in the first place.

Marriage is one of life’s most beautiful journeys—but like any long road, it can sometimes get bumpy. Whether you’re facing communication breakdowns, emotional distance, or just the routine of everyday life, relationships can lose their spark. But here's the good news: With a little effort, patience, and a fresh perspective, you can reignite that connection and turn your marriage around—360 degrees.

The Key: Starting with a Clean Slate

When things start to feel stagnant or distant, it’s easy to build up resentment. Past mistakes, old arguments, or unmet expectations can create emotional baggage that weighs heavily on the relationship. The ultimate key to turning things around is simple but powerful: Start with a clean slate.

It might sound like a tall order, but wiping the slate clean doesn’t mean forgetting the past—it means choosing to let go of past grudges and focusing on the present. In any healthy relationship, both partners need to actively choose forgiveness and open themselves to new opportunities for growth.

Tip 1: Don’t Seek Perfection—Seek Growth

We often expect perfection from our partners, but the truth is, nobody is perfect—not even you. When you let go of unrealistic expectations, you free yourself and your partner from unnecessary pressure.

A marriage thrives when both partners can accept each other’s flaws and learn to grow together. Instead of seeing mistakes as failures, view them as opportunities to learn. If your spouse forgets an anniversary or messes up a household chore, don’t let it turn into a major issue. Instead, use it as an opportunity to communicate your needs and find a solution together. Small moments of imperfection are not signs of failure; they are simply part of the human experience.

Example: If your spouse tends to leave their clothes around the house, instead of getting upset, have a conversation about the small changes that would make you feel more respected. Perhaps you could come up with a shared system that works for both of you—like a designated basket or putting a reminder on the calendar for tidying up.

Tip 2: Communicate Openly and Honestly

Effective communication is the foundation of any strong relationship. Unfortunately, over time, couples can fall into patterns of passive-aggressive behavior, silent treatment, or avoidance. To rekindle the fire, make a conscious effort to communicate openly and honestly about your thoughts, feelings, and needs.

Example: After a busy workday, instead of ignoring each other or giving brief responses, make it a habit to share how you each feel emotionally. “I’m feeling a little stressed with work lately” or “I miss spending time with you” can open doors to meaningful conversations. These moments can help deepen your connection and keep the lines of communication open.

Tip 3: Prioritize Quality Time Together

Life gets busy, and it's easy for couples to drift apart as they juggle careers, kids, and other commitments. But making time for each other—away from distractions—is essential. Plan date nights, take spontaneous weekend trips, or even just have a quiet evening at home, free from screens and interruptions.

Example: Once a week, schedule a "technology-free" evening where you both cook dinner together, play a board game, or even take a walk. The goal isn’t to entertain, but to reconnect. The less time spent with distractions, the more meaningful your time together becomes.

Tip 4: Learn to Forgive and Let Go

Forgiveness is one of the most powerful tools for healing any relationship. Holding onto grudges or revisiting past mistakes only prevents growth and damages the bond between partners. To truly turn your marriage around, it’s crucial to forgive—not just your spouse, but yourself, too.

Example: If your partner has made a mistake, instead of revisiting the issue repeatedly, acknowledge it, discuss how it made you feel, and then let it go. Let your partner know you’ve forgiven them. You can then shift the conversation to what’s next in your relationship, focusing on how you can move forward in a healthy, positive way.

Tip 5: Focus on Small Gestures of Love

Rekindling the spark in your marriage doesn’t require grand gestures or extravagant trips—it’s often the small things that make the biggest difference. A compliment, a surprise cup of coffee in the morning, a hand squeeze during a walk, or a simple “I love you” can go a long way in keeping the connection alive.

Example: Leave a sweet note in your partner’s bag or on the bathroom mirror. Or surprise them with their favorite snack after a long day. These little actions show that you’re thinking of them and care deeply, which reinforces the emotional bond.

Tip 6: Embrace Change as Part of the Journey

People change. Sometimes, that change is subtle, and other times, it’s more pronounced. Accepting that both you and your partner will evolve over time is essential to a long-lasting, thriving marriage. Instead of resisting change, embrace it. Support each other through the transformation, and be open to new ways of relating to one another.

Example: Maybe your partner recently got a new job, and the shift in their routine has altered your home dynamic. Rather than resisting this change, acknowledge it and have a conversation about how you can adjust together. Embrace the new growth, whether it's exploring new hobbies, supporting career shifts, or tackling challenges as a team.

The Bottom Line: Love Isn’t Perfection; It’s Progress

Marriage is not about creating a flawless relationship—it’s about progress, growth, and learning how to love more deeply through both the good times and the challenges. By letting go of the need for perfection, choosing forgiveness, and embracing the lessons that come with each obstacle, you create a healthier, more vibrant bond that can withstand the test of time.

So here’s the real question: What small change can you make today to rekindle the spark in your marriage and start the journey toward a deeper, more fulfilling connection?

💬 Ready to start your own healing journey?

Book a session with one of our compassionate therapists at Moody Melon Counseling. We’re here when you’re ready. 🍉

 [Schedule Now]

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When the Cuts Run Deeper: How to Stop Your Teen from Self-Harming Through Connection

If you notice signs of self-harm in your teen, it's crucial to approach the situation with empathy and understanding, rather than judgment. Building open communication, offering support, and encouraging professional help can be key steps in helping stop your teen from self-harming and guiding them toward healthier coping mechanisms.

Self-harm is an often misunderstood and deeply troubling behavior, especially for parents who find themselves suddenly facing this heartbreaking reality. The sight of scars on a child’s body can trigger a mix of emotions, from shock to confusion, fear, and helplessness. But here's the truth: it's not too late to say the right words, and it’s never too late to help your teen heal. The key to supporting them is to choose connection over confrontation, understanding over lecturing, and trust over time.

Understanding Self-Harm: It’s Not Just About Pain

Self-harm, or non-suicidal self-injury (NSSI), is the intentional act of hurting oneself to cope with emotional pain, stress, or overwhelming feelings. Contrary to popular belief, it's not an attempt to die, but rather a misguided attempt to feel something—anything—in an emotional landscape that feels numb, chaotic, or unbearable. Teenagers, especially, are navigating a turbulent time of emotional, physical, and psychological development, making them vulnerable to using self-harm as a way to regain control or temporarily relieve distress.

It’s crucial to understand that self-harm is not about attention-seeking or rebellion. It’s a desperate attempt to manage feelings that seem too big or too complex to handle. This is why the first step in helping is to acknowledge the underlying emotional struggles your teen is facing, without judgment.

Click to Learn More About Self-Harm and Healthier Ways to Cope with Stress and Trauma

The Importance of Connection: Why Your Relationship Matters

As a parent, your instinct might be to jump into problem-solving mode. It’s natural to want to fix things immediately. But more than anything, your teen needs you to be present, to listen without rushing to solutions, and to connect with them on a deeper level. This connection is what builds trust, and trust is the foundation of healing.

When teens engage in self-harm, they often feel isolated, misunderstood, or disconnected from others. Instead of scolding or lecturing, focus on nurturing your relationship with them. Ask questions—not as a way to pry, but to understand. Offer them the space to talk, and reassure them that their feelings are valid, even if you don’t fully understand them. Avoid reacting with anger or fear; instead, approach the situation with compassion.

How to Help: It’s Never Too Late to Start

Many parents feel paralyzed by guilt, wondering if they missed the signs or if they should have done something sooner. The good news is that it’s never too late to start building a supportive environment. Here are a few ways you can begin:

1. Open the Lines of Communication: Let your teen know that you are there to listen whenever they are ready to talk. Don’t force the conversation, but make sure they know they are never alone. Simple statements like, "Can we try again? I’m here for you,” and "You can talk to me anytime, no judgment,” can go a long way.

   
   

2. Express Your Love and Care: Teens who self-harm may not always feel worthy of love or support. It’s crucial to affirm your unconditional love and acceptance. Sometimes, just reminding them that you care can make a significant difference.

   
   

3. Encourage Professional Help: While your connection is vital, professional help is equally important. Encourage therapy or counseling to provide your teen with the tools they need to manage their emotions in healthier ways. Be supportive of their therapy journey, and remind them that seeking help is a strength, not a weakness.

   
   

4. Be Patient and Non-Judgmental: Healing takes time. There will be ups and downs along the way, and there may be setbacks. The important thing is to be patient and not give up on your teen. Even if they don’t open up immediately, showing consistent support will eventually build the trust needed for them to share their struggles.

   
   

5. Teach Coping Strategies: Instead of scolding, teach your teen healthier ways to manage stress and emotional pain. This could include mindfulness techniques, journaling, physical exercise, or creative activities like painting or playing music. Encourage your teen to explore these alternatives without forcing them.

   
   

The Power of Trust: Building a Lifelong Connection

Trust is not something that happens overnight. It takes time to rebuild, especially if your teen has struggled with self-harm in silence. But every step you take toward understanding, loving, and supporting them creates an opportunity for growth and healing. Remember, it’s about building a connection that will last a lifetime—one that shows your teen they are valued and that their struggles do not define them.

A Simple Truth: You Can Make a Difference

As a parent, the emotional weight of knowing your child is struggling with self-harm can feel unbearable. But don’t lose hope. You are not alone in this journey, and it’s never too late to make a positive impact. Your relationship with your teen, built on trust, connection, and love, is one of the most powerful tools you have in helping them heal.

So, the question is—are you ready to choose connection over correction, understanding over judgment, and love over everything else? Your teen’s journey may be long, but it can be a journey you walk together.

💬 Ready to start your own healing journey?

Book a session with one of our compassionate therapists at Moody Melon Counseling. We’re here when you’re ready. 🍉

 [Schedule Now]

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• Are We Unknowingly Making Our Kids Emotional Burden-Bearers? The Hidden Cost of Role Reversal

• The Teen Mental Health Crisis: Understanding the Struggles and the Path Forward

• Raising a Mentally Strong Toddler: How to Promote Healthy Emotion Regulation from the Start

• How Parents Can Support Foster Children Struggling with Binge Eating and Overeating

• Building Strong Bonds: How Parenting in Childhood Shapes Trusting Relationships with Adult Children