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Dec 12

When Love Feels Foreign: Healing from Childhood Trauma and Learning to Feel Loved Again

Learning to feel loved again is a journey that begins with understanding your past and embracing the possibility of healing. With patience and self-compassion, you can rediscover the warmth of connection and learn to accept love, no matter the scars you've carried.

When Love Feels Foreign: Healing from Childhood Trauma and Learning to Feel Loved Again

For many of us, love is a feeling that comes naturally—a warm embrace from a parent, words of affirmation from a friend, or the simple joy of human connection. But for some, love isn’t instinctive. It’s learned, often after years of emotional numbness or neglect. Growing up in an environment where love was absent or conditional can leave emotional scars that make it difficult to feel loved—even when affection is given.


Imagine this: You’re given a hug. The arms around you are warm, the body pressing close feels comforting. But you feel nothing. No warmth. No connection. No sense of security. Just emptiness. For someone who’s experienced neglect or emotional abandonment as a child, a hug may feel like nothing more than a physical gesture. The love that’s supposed to come with it is absent.


This disconnection doesn’t make you broken; it simply means that the brain and heart have learned to block out love as a defense mechanism—a coping strategy for trauma. But that doesn’t mean healing isn’t possible. You don’t have to live your whole life feeling unworthy or incapable of receiving love. Here’s why and how you can begin to feel loved again, even after the wounds of childhood neglect.


When Love Doesn’t Feel Real: The Roots of Emotional Numbness


For those who grew up without love, their emotional experience is often shaped by neglect, abuse, or inconsistency in caregiving. As children, our brains are wired to seek safety, connection, and affection from our caregivers. When those basic needs aren’t met—whether through abandonment, emotional or physical abuse, or even just a lack of nurturing—our emotional development can be stunted. The result? An inability to recognize or accept love, even when it’s given freely.


For example, consider someone who grew up in an environment where their caregivers were emotionally unavailable or unpredictable. They may have learned to suppress their feelings to avoid the pain of abandonment. As adults, they might struggle to feel anything when someone offers kindness or affection, even if that person genuinely cares.


Another common scenario involves people who were raised in abusive households. They may have been repeatedly told they weren’t good enough or that love was conditional on their behavior. For them, being hugged or told “I love you” could trigger discomfort or even anger, because they’ve internalized that love is a tool for control, not a source of comfort.


Other Examples of Love Feeling Foreign:


  • The ‘Perfectionist’ Syndrome: A person raised in an environment where love was only given when they succeeded or behaved perfectly may feel a deep sense of unworthiness. They might find it hard to accept compliments or affection because they feel they haven’t earned it.


  • The Isolated Survivor: Some children grow up in emotionally or physically isolating environments, where emotional connection is scarce. As adults, they may struggle to trust others or find it difficult to form close relationships, even though they long for connection.


  • The Abandoned Child: A person whose primary caregiver abandoned them or was emotionally absent might never learn how to receive affection. When offered love, it can feel like a foreign concept, something they don’t deserve or can’t understand.


So, What Can You Do?


The first step toward healing is acknowledging the impact of your past on your present. Understanding that your inability to feel loved is a result of your trauma, not a reflection of your worth, is essential to healing. It’s not about changing who you are; it’s about learning how to open up to the love that is already around you.


Here are a few ways to begin reconnecting with love, both from others and from yourself:


1. Allow Yourself to Feel Safe


Start by creating a safe emotional space for yourself. This might mean seeking therapy or counseling to work through past trauma. Talking to a professional can help you untangle the feelings that block love, such as fear of vulnerability or deep-seated shame.


2. Practice Self-Compassion


It’s easy to feel unworthy of love when you’ve been taught that you’re not good enough. But self-compassion is the antidote. Start by being gentle with yourself. Recognize that your feelings are valid, and give yourself permission to feel worthy of love—because you are.


3. Learn to Accept Affection Gradually


If you’ve grown up without affection, receiving love can feel uncomfortable or even frightening. Start small. Let yourself receive simple acts of kindness without trying to analyze or push them away. Whether it’s a hug, a compliment, or a kind gesture, try to just be present in the moment, without judgment.


4. Reframe What Love Means


Love doesn’t always come in the form of big gestures. Sometimes, love is found in the quiet moments of connection: a cup of coffee shared with a friend, a kind word, a moment of silence with someone who understands you. Reframe love as something consistent and steady, not just a momentary feeling of euphoria.


5. Seek Out Healthy Relationships


Surround yourself with people who show genuine, unconditional care for you. Being in a safe, healthy relationship—whether with a partner, friend, or even a pet—can help you rediscover the feeling of being loved. Healthy relationships teach us how to receive love in a safe, nurturing environment.


6. Start With Physical Touch


Sometimes, learning to feel loved again can begin with physical touch. If a hug feels uncomfortable, try holding hands with someone you trust or sitting side by side without speaking. Gradually, your body will learn that closeness can be comforting, not threatening.


7. Be Patient With Yourself


Healing takes time, and that’s okay. It’s not a race to "get over" your past, but a journey of healing at your own pace. Every step you take toward accepting love is a victory, no matter how small.


You Are Not Alone: Healing Is Possible


The road to feeling loved again may seem long, especially if your childhood was marked by trauma and neglect. But you don’t have to carry this weight alone. Healing is possible, and with the right support and tools, you can learn to feel the love that has always been there, waiting for you to embrace it.


Remember, you are worthy of love—not because of what you’ve been through, but simply because you exist. Your past doesn’t have to define your future.


If you’ve struggled with feeling loved due to childhood trauma, know that there is always hope for change. Love is something you can learn to feel again, one step at a time. And the first step? Just knowing that you deserve it.


 

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Dec 11

Self-Care for One: Thriving Alone with Chronic Illness

Thriving alone with chronic illness means finding strength in solitude, embracing self-care routines that nurture both the body and mind. It’s about redefining what wellness looks like when your journey is yours alone, yet still full of moments of growth and resilience.

Self-Care for One: Thriving Alone with Chronic Illness

Living with a chronic illness is already a formidable challenge. When you also navigate it in solitude—without close friends, family nearby, or regular social interactions—it can feel overwhelming. The weight of physical symptoms combined with emotional isolation can take a toll on your mental and emotional well-being. But even in these difficult circumstances, self-care becomes not just important, but essential for surviving—and thriving.


So how do you prioritize self-care when you’re living with chronic illness and feeling alone? Let’s dive into some practical strategies and mindset shifts that can help you care for yourself holistically, even when you’re managing health challenges on your own.


1. Reframe Your Concept of Self-Care


Many of us picture self-care as a luxury—bubble baths, spa days, or vacations—but when you’re living with chronic illness, those things might not be realistic or possible. Instead, start by reframing self-care as small, daily acts that contribute to your well-being. These could be as simple as getting out of bed, making a cup of tea, or spending a few minutes practicing deep breathing.


Start focusing on what is possible. Celebrate small victories like brushing your hair, taking a short walk outside, or having a nutritious meal—even if it’s just a handful of nuts. Every act of self-care adds up, and it’s important to acknowledge them.


2. Build a Routine for Stability


When living alone with a chronic illness, it’s easy to feel adrift. A consistent routine provides structure, reduces anxiety, and helps you manage your symptoms. Your routine doesn’t need to be complicated—it could involve basic elements like:


  • Waking up at a set time: Even if you don’t have a job to go to, a consistent wake-up time can help set the tone for your day. It signals to your body that it’s time to start moving.


  • Scheduled rest: Chronic illness often demands periods of rest. Incorporating rest into your routine can make it easier to balance activity and recovery. Set aside time each day, even if it's just a nap or a moment of stillness, to recharge.


  • Meal planning and preparation: Preparing simple meals in advance can save energy and ensure you're nourishing your body. Even something as simple as chopping vegetables and having healthy snacks ready can take the mental load off when you're not feeling well.


The predictability of routine will give you a sense of control, even on days when your body doesn't feel like cooperating.


3. Focus on Your Emotional Health


Living alone with a chronic illness can lead to loneliness, which, in turn, can exacerbate feelings of depression and anxiety. But isolation doesn’t have to mean emotional abandonment. Your emotional well-being is just as important as your physical health, so make sure you're nurturing your feelings.


  • Journal: Write about your experiences, frustrations, and triumphs. Journaling can be a therapeutic way to release emotions and track your progress. Over time, you’ll begin to see how far you’ve come, even on the days that feel like setbacks.


  • Practice mindfulness and meditation: These practices help center you in the present moment, reducing anxiety and improving your emotional resilience. Apps like Headspace or Calm offer guided sessions tailored to different needs—whether it’s stress reduction, pain management, or simply breathing through challenging moments.


  • Engage with online communities: If friends and family aren’t physically close, the internet offers a wealth of support. From chronic illness forums to social media groups, connecting with others who truly understand your journey can make a world of difference. Virtual support groups can be a lifeline when you need advice or just want to vent.


4. Create a Cozy, Healing Environment


The space around you plays a huge role in your overall well-being, especially when you're managing a chronic illness. If you’re spending a lot of time at home, make it a place that supports your healing and relaxation.


  • Declutter: A messy space can lead to mental clutter, increasing stress. Even if it’s just tidying up a small corner or creating a calm space where you can rest, a peaceful environment encourages calmness and comfort.


  • Add personal touches: Surround yourself with items that bring you joy—photos, candles, comforting blankets, plants. These elements create a sense of warmth and security, making your living space feel like a sanctuary, not just a place to exist.


  • Consider lighting: Light affects mood and energy levels. If possible, let in natural light during the day, and use soft lighting in the evening to create a calming atmosphere.


5. Manage Your Energy, Don’t Just Manage Pain


Chronic illness often comes with fluctuating energy levels, and it's important to understand how to work with your body’s rhythms instead of fighting them. Pacing yourself—knowing when to push through a little and when to rest—is a form of self-care that requires listening deeply to your body.


  • Track your symptoms: Keeping a daily log of how you feel physically and emotionally can help you better understand your body’s patterns. If you notice that mornings are particularly rough, save your most demanding tasks for the afternoon. If certain activities trigger a flare-up, consider adjusting your routine accordingly.


  • Practice energy conservation: Think of your energy as a bank account. Try to ‘deposit’ energy throughout the day by taking breaks, sitting down while doing tasks, and asking for help when possible. On days when your energy is low, focus on lighter, restorative activities like reading, drawing, or watching a favorite show.


6. Seek Professional Help (Virtually, if Needed)


Sometimes, it’s impossible to manage everything on your own. If feelings of loneliness, sadness, or overwhelm are taking over, it’s important to seek professional support. Therapy, whether in-person or online, can help you navigate the emotional challenges of living alone with chronic illness. Many therapists offer virtual sessions, so there’s no need to leave your home to get support.


Don’t be afraid to ask for help, whether it’s from a therapist, support group, or even a healthcare provider who can guide you in managing both the physical and emotional aspects of your illness. You don’t have to do this alone, even if you’re physically alone.


7. Develop a New Relationship with Yourself


Living with chronic illness often forces us into a deeper relationship with ourselves—one that can be full of resistance or one that’s rooted in acceptance. Begin to cultivate self-compassion and patience. Remind yourself that you are doing the best you can with the circumstances you’re in.


Self-care is not about perfection. It’s about survival, resilience, and kindness toward yourself in moments of pain, frustration, or exhaustion. Embrace your journey, even when it’s challenging. The path may look different than you expected, but it’s yours to walk, and with the right care and mindset, you can find moments of peace and healing along the way.


Conclusion


Self-care when you live alone with a chronic illness isn’t about grand gestures or perfect routines. It’s about creating sustainable practices that nurture your mind, body, and spirit, even when life feels isolating. By making small, intentional changes—creating structure, finding emotional support, and honoring your energy—you can build a life that is as fulfilling and vibrant as possible, regardless of your circumstances. Your health and well-being are worth it. And while you may live alone, you are never truly without support; you are your own greatest ally.


 

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Dec 11

OCD is Serious: Beyond the Hollywood Stereotype, How CBT and ERP Can Transform Lives

OCD is serious and often misunderstood. It involves persistent, intrusive thoughts (obsessions) and uncontrollable behaviors (compulsions) that can cause significant anxiety and disrupt daily life. More than just quirky habits, OCD is a legitimate mental health condition that requires understanding and effective treatments like Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) with Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP).

OCD is Serious: Beyond the Hollywood Stereotype, How CBT and ERP Can Transform Lives

Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD) is often misunderstood, especially when we look at how it’s portrayed in movies and TV shows. Hollywood tends to exaggerate the quirky or eccentric side of OCD—characters compulsively washing their hands or arranging objects in perfect symmetry—but the reality is far more complex and distressing. OCD is a serious mental health condition that can significantly impact a person’s daily life, relationships, and overall well-being.


1. What is OCD Really Like?


OCD is often characterized by two main components:


  • Obsessions: Persistent, unwanted, and intrusive thoughts, images, or urges that cause significant anxiety or distress.


  • Compulsions: Repetitive behaviors or mental acts performed in response to the obsessions, aimed at reducing anxiety or preventing a feared event or situation.


These compulsions may not always make sense to others or even the person experiencing them, but they are deeply rooted in the individual’s need to alleviate the intense anxiety caused by the obsessions.


For example, someone with OCD may be consumed by the fear of contamination (an obsession) and repeatedly wash their hands or avoid touching doorknobs (a compulsion), even if there’s no logical reason to do so. This cycle can create immense stress, take up hours of each day, and severely limit a person’s functioning.


While Hollywood depictions of OCD might focus on harmless rituals like checking light switches or counting objects, the real struggles are far more pervasive. For many, OCD isn’t just an annoying quirk—it’s a disabling condition that impacts work, relationships, and daily functioning.


2. The Reality of OCD: More Than Just a Quirk


The popular image of OCD often makes light of the disorder, portraying it as a mere eccentricity or a comedic flaw. But in reality, OCD can be devastating. It’s not about keeping things "neat and tidy"—it’s about battling an overwhelming sense of anxiety that can consume your life. The compulsions are not voluntary actions; they are desperate attempts to ward off a perceived threat.


The pressure to perform rituals can lead to isolation, shame, and exhaustion, as individuals often feel they are trapped in a never-ending cycle of intrusive thoughts and behaviors. In severe cases, OCD can prevent someone from leaving their house, going to work, or even maintaining personal relationships. This is far from the "quirky" image seen in films.


3. How CBT with ERP Can Help


One of the most effective treatments for OCD is Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), specifically a type called Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP). While ERP may sound intimidating, it’s a proven, evidence-based approach that helps individuals confront their fears and break the cycle of compulsive behavior.


What is CBT and ERP?


  • Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) focuses on identifying and challenging the distorted thoughts that fuel anxiety and compulsive behaviors. The goal is to help the person see their fears more clearly and logically, and ultimately reduce the power these fears have over them.


  • Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP) is a specific CBT technique designed for OCD. It involves gradually exposing the individual to their feared situations or triggers (exposure) while simultaneously preventing the compulsion they would typically perform (response prevention). Over time, the individual learns that their feared outcome doesn’t occur, which helps to reduce the anxiety associated with their obsessions and compulsions


How Does ERP Work?


Imagine someone has an obsessive fear of contamination (obsession), and their compulsion is to wash their hands repeatedly. In ERP, the therapist might guide the person through an exposure exercise—for example, touching an object they perceive as "contaminated" but then preventing them from washing their hands (response prevention). Initially, this can cause intense anxiety, but over time, the person learns that the anxiety naturally diminishes, even without the compulsion to wash.


This process helps individuals learn that avoiding compulsions doesn’t lead to disaster, and gradually, their anxiety decreases. ERP helps them build tolerance to the discomfort caused by obsessions, enabling them to regain control of their lives.


4. Why CBT with ERP is So Effective


Research has shown that CBT with ERP is highly effective in treating OCD, with many individuals experiencing significant improvements or even complete recovery. Unlike medications, which can only address symptoms, CBT and ERP target the root cause of OCD—the cycle of obsession and compulsion.


By facing their fears in a controlled, gradual way, individuals with OCD can learn new, healthier ways of managing their anxiety. This empowers them to take back control of their lives and make lasting changes.


5. The Importance of Seeking Help


OCD is a treatable condition, but many people suffer in silence, not realizing that help is available. If you or someone you know is struggling with OCD, it’s important to seek professional treatment.


While medication can sometimes be part of the treatment plan (especially SSRIs like fluoxetine or sertraline), CBT with ERP is considered the gold standard for therapy. A mental health professional trained in ERP can help guide the individual through the process of confronting their fears and breaking free from the compulsions.


6. Dispelling the Myths: OCD is Not Just About Cleanliness or Order


One of the biggest myths about OCD is that it’s only about being "clean" or "organized." While these symptoms may be present in some individuals, OCD is a multifaceted disorder that can manifest in many different ways. Obsessions can revolve around themes like harm, safety, relationships, symmetry, or taboo thoughts.


OCD isn’t just about arranging objects in a specific order or washing hands repeatedly—it’s about intrusive thoughts and the uncontrollable need to perform rituals to reduce anxiety. The key to treatment is understanding that these compulsions don’t make the anxiety go away for long, and the cycle needs to be broken.


7. Conclusion: Don't Let OCD Define You


OCD is a serious, often misunderstood condition, but with the right treatment, recovery is possible. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) with Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP) is one of the most effective treatments available, offering individuals the tools they need to face their fears and break free from the grip of compulsive behaviors.


If you or someone you love is struggling with OCD, don’t wait. Seek professional help, challenge the stigma, and take the first step toward recovery. With the right support, OCD doesn’t have to control your life. You can reclaim your peace of mind.


By providing education on the complexities of OCD and emphasizing the effectiveness of CBT and ERP, we can help shift the conversation from the stereotype to the reality, offering those who suffer from this condition the understanding and support they deserve.


 

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