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When the Cuts Run Deeper: How to Stop Your Teen from Self-Harming Through Connection

  • Writer: Julie Barris | Crisis Counselor | Therapist-in-Training
    Julie Barris | Crisis Counselor | Therapist-in-Training
  • Apr 3

If you notice signs of self-harm in your teen, it's crucial to approach the situation with empathy and understanding, rather than judgment. Building open communication, offering support, and encouraging professional help can be key steps in helping stop your teen from self-harming and guiding them toward healthier coping mechanisms.

When the Cuts Run Deeper: How to Stop Your Teen from Self-harming Through Connection

Self-harm is an often misunderstood and deeply troubling behavior, especially for parents who find themselves suddenly facing this heartbreaking reality. The sight of scars on a child’s body can trigger a mix of emotions, from shock to confusion, fear, and helplessness. But here's the truth: it's not too late to say the right words, and it’s never too late to help your teen heal. The key to supporting them is to choose connection over confrontation, understanding over lecturing, and trust over time.


Understanding Self-Harm: It’s Not Just About Pain


Self-harm, or non-suicidal self-injury (NSSI), is the intentional act of hurting oneself to cope with emotional pain, stress, or overwhelming feelings. Contrary to popular belief, it's not an attempt to die, but rather a misguided attempt to feel something—anything—in an emotional landscape that feels numb, chaotic, or unbearable. Teenagers, especially, are navigating a turbulent time of emotional, physical, and psychological development, making them vulnerable to using self-harm as a way to regain control or temporarily relieve distress.

It’s crucial to understand that self-harm is not about attention-seeking or rebellion. It’s a desperate attempt to manage feelings that seem too big or too complex to handle. This is why the first step in helping is to acknowledge the underlying emotional struggles your teen is facing, without judgment.



The Importance of Connection: Why Your Relationship Matters


As a parent, your instinct might be to jump into problem-solving mode. It’s natural to want to fix things immediately. But more than anything, your teen needs you to be present, to listen without rushing to solutions, and to connect with them on a deeper level. This connection is what builds trust, and trust is the foundation of healing.


When teens engage in self-harm, they often feel isolated, misunderstood, or disconnected from others. Instead of scolding or lecturing, focus on nurturing your relationship with them. Ask questions—not as a way to pry, but to understand. Offer them the space to talk, and reassure them that their feelings are valid, even if you don’t fully understand them. Avoid reacting with anger or fear; instead, approach the situation with compassion.


How to Help: It’s Never Too Late to Start


Many parents feel paralyzed by guilt, wondering if they missed the signs or if they should have done something sooner. The good news is that it’s never too late to start building a supportive environment. Here are a few ways you can begin:


  1. Open the Lines of Communication: Let your teen know that you are there to listen whenever they are ready to talk. Don’t force the conversation, but make sure they know they are never alone. Simple statements like, "Can we try again? I’m here for you,” and "You can talk to me anytime, no judgment,” can go a long way.


  2. Express Your Love and Care: Teens who self-harm may not always feel worthy of love or support. It’s crucial to affirm your unconditional love and acceptance. Sometimes, just reminding them that you care can make a significant difference.


  3. Encourage Professional Help: While your connection is vital, professional help is equally important. Encourage therapy or counseling to provide your teen with the tools they need to manage their emotions in healthier ways. Be supportive of their therapy journey, and remind them that seeking help is a strength, not a weakness.


  4. Be Patient and Non-Judgmental: Healing takes time. There will be ups and downs along the way, and there may be setbacks. The important thing is to be patient and not give up on your teen. Even if they don’t open up immediately, showing consistent support will eventually build the trust needed for them to share their struggles.


  5. Teach Coping Strategies: Instead of scolding, teach your teen healthier ways to manage stress and emotional pain. This could include mindfulness techniques, journaling, physical exercise, or creative activities like painting or playing music. Encourage your teen to explore these alternatives without forcing them.


The Power of Trust: Building a Lifelong Connection


Trust is not something that happens overnight. It takes time to rebuild, especially if your teen has struggled with self-harm in silence. But every step you take toward understanding, loving, and supporting them creates an opportunity for growth and healing. Remember, it’s about building a connection that will last a lifetime—one that shows your teen they are valued and that their struggles do not define them.


A Simple Truth: You Can Make a Difference


As a parent, the emotional weight of knowing your child is struggling with self-harm can feel unbearable. But don’t lose hope. You are not alone in this journey, and it’s never too late to make a positive impact. Your relationship with your teen, built on trust, connection, and love, is one of the most powerful tools you have in helping them heal.


So, the question is—are you ready to choose connection over correction, understanding over judgment, and love over everything else? Your teen’s journey may be long, but it can be a journey you walk together.


 

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Building Strong Bonds: How Parenting in Childhood Shapes Trusting Relationships with Adult Children

  • Writer: Julie Barris | Crisis Counselor | Therapist-in-Training
    Julie Barris | Crisis Counselor | Therapist-in-Training
  • Apr 1

Building trusting relationships with adult children requires ongoing communication, mutual respect, and a willingness to prioritize connection over conflict. By nurturing these bonds from a young age, parents can create a foundation that allows for deeper understanding and support throughout their children's adulthood.

Building Strong Bonds: How Parenting in Childhood Shapes Trusting Relationships with Adult Children

As adults, we often find ourselves reflecting on the relationships we have with our parents—whether they were supportive, strained, or filled with complexity. The reality is, the foundation for these relationships starts long before we reach adulthood. In fact, the way we nurture, communicate, and guide our children in their formative years plays a pivotal role in the nature of our relationship with them when they become adults.


It’s easy to assume that when our children grow up and become independent, the nature of the relationship changes, too. However, the truth is that the seeds of trust, communication, and connection are sown in childhood. Building a close, trusting relationship with your adult child doesn’t happen overnight, and it isn’t something that magically appears when they reach their twenties or thirties. It begins much earlier, when they’re still children.


The Importance of Trust in Childhood


At its core, trust is the cornerstone of any strong relationship. For parents and children, this trust is developed through consistent, open, and empathetic communication. From a young age, children begin to learn how much they can rely on their parents for both emotional and physical support. When parents are there to listen without judgment, provide guidance, and follow through on promises, children internalize these experiences as trust-building moments.


The little moments matter: when you respond calmly and supportively to your child’s fears, when you acknowledge their feelings, when you prioritize their needs over your own. These are the moments that tell children, "I can count on you," and they stay with them long after they’ve grown up.


Setting the Stage for Future Connection


The way you handle difficult conversations in your child’s youth can echo into their adult years. If you create an environment where open communication is valued, where feelings can be shared without fear of criticism, your adult child will feel more comfortable coming to you with their own struggles as they grow older.


It’s also important to remember that children learn by example. If they see you navigating challenges with resilience, honesty, and empathy, they will adopt these behaviors themselves. Modeling healthy emotional regulation, self-reflection, and respectful conflict resolution during their childhood helps set the stage for more meaningful and productive interactions in adulthood.


The Power of Empathy


Empathy is one of the most powerful tools in cultivating lasting trust. When parents take the time to understand their children’s perspectives—acknowledging their unique emotions, struggles, and experiences—they validate their children’s feelings. This validation builds a sense of security that encourages emotional openness.


In fact, research has shown that children who feel understood and supported by their parents are more likely to develop strong social and emotional skills, which will serve them well as they enter adulthood. A parent’s empathy in childhood makes a tremendous difference in how children perceive relationships later in life.


Choosing the Relationship Over "Who's Right"


One of the most powerful ways to maintain a close relationship with your child as they grow older is by prioritizing the relationship itself, rather than focusing on "who’s right" in disagreements. When parents take the stance of being “right” all the time, it creates an environment where children are more likely to shut down emotionally or resist open communication.


It’s natural to want to correct our children when they make mistakes, but the way we do so matters. Opting to approach situations with a spirit of collaboration, rather than a desire to win, helps to strengthen the bond. Sometimes, even when it feels like the stakes are high, choosing the relationship over being right fosters trust. It tells your child that you value them as a person—flaws and all—and that you’re not more concerned with being in control than with nurturing a healthy connection.


When your child feels that they are seen and heard, rather than just “corrected” or “taught a lesson,” they are more likely to continue coming to you for advice and emotional support as adults. In the long term, this approach ensures that the relationship remains strong, built on mutual respect and understanding.


Navigating the Transition to Adulthood


As your children enter adulthood, it’s essential to strike a balance between maintaining boundaries and continuing to offer emotional support. The adolescent years are often marked by a desire for independence, and as parents, it’s important to respect that while still remaining emotionally available. If you’ve laid the foundation of trust and understanding during their childhood, transitioning into an adult relationship can be smoother.


Adulthood brings with it new challenges for both parents and children. Your child may seek advice on relationships, career decisions, or life choices—moments that present opportunities to reinforce the trust you've built over the years. Remember, this relationship is not one-sided; it’s a dynamic process of mutual respect and communication.


The Key to Sustaining Close Relationships with Adult Children


While the transition from parent-child to an adult-adult relationship may feel like a natural evolution, it requires continued effort. Here are a few key points to keep in mind:


  • Respect their autonomy: Give your adult children the space to make their own decisions while offering guidance when needed. Trust that they have internalized the values you’ve taught them.


  • Continue to listen: Even as they grow older, don’t stop being an active listener. Whether they’re talking about their work, relationships, or personal challenges, your listening ear will strengthen your bond.


  • Offer support, not control: The days of guiding every aspect of your child’s life are over. Instead, offer unconditional support, even if it’s just a phone call to check in. Let them know you’re there without overstepping.


  • Celebrate their milestones: Whether it’s a career achievement, a marriage, or starting a family, celebrate their successes and show that you value their growth and independence.


Conclusion: The Long-Term Impact of Childhood Trust


The foundation for a strong, trusting relationship with your adult child is built through a series of intentional actions taken over the years. It’s about showing up emotionally, building empathy, and fostering open communication from the moment they’re born. As your child matures into adulthood, the trust you've developed will be the bedrock of your relationship, allowing both of you to navigate life’s challenges together.


So, how can you choose the relationship over being "right" in your interactions with your child today, knowing it will lay the groundwork for a stronger bond in their adulthood?


 

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Unseen Scars: The Hidden Toll of Bullying in Middle School and How We Can Help Our Children Heal

  • Writer: Julie Barris | Crisis Counselor | Therapist-in-Training
    Julie Barris | Crisis Counselor | Therapist-in-Training
  • Mar 28

The toll of bullying in middle school can be severe, often leading to long-term emotional and psychological scars, including anxiety, depression, and decreased self-esteem. As children navigate these formative years, the effects of bullying can impact their academic performance, social interactions, and overall mental well-being.

Unseen Scars: The Hidden Toll of Bullying in Middle School and How We Can Help Our Children Heal

Middle school is often a time of significant transition for children. They're navigating new social circles, academic pressures, and their growing identities. Unfortunately, it’s also a time when bullying can take root and begin to shape how a child perceives themselves and the world around them. While we often think of bullying as a mere rite of passage or something kids should just “toughen up” from, the reality is that bullying in middle school can have long-lasting effects on a child’s mental health, well-being, and self-esteem.


The Seriousness of Bullying in Middle School


Bullying isn’t just a playground problem; it’s a deeply troubling issue that affects millions of children every year. In fact, the National Bullying Prevention Center reports that about one in five students experience bullying. Middle school students are especially vulnerable because they are in the middle of forming their sense of identity, which makes them more susceptible to the opinions and behavior of their peers.


Bullying can manifest in various forms — physical, verbal, social, and increasingly online through social media. Whether it’s through cruel comments, exclusion from groups, rumors, or online harassment, bullying can have a far-reaching impact on a child’s mental health. Studies show that bullying is linked to increased rates of anxiety, depression, loneliness, and in extreme cases, suicidal thoughts and behaviors.


How Bullying Affects Mental Health


Children who experience bullying often internalize the hurtful things they hear, which can lead to diminished self-worth and feelings of helplessness. The chronic stress from being bullied can even alter a child’s brain chemistry, affecting their ability to concentrate, engage with peers, and perform academically. The emotional scars often outlast the physical ones, and the child may carry these effects into adulthood if they don't get the right support.

The emotional pain can also manifest physically. Children may experience sleep disturbances, headaches, stomachaches, and even changes in eating habits. The mental and physical toll that bullying takes on children often goes unnoticed, leaving them to face the weight of it alone.


How Parents Can Support Their Child


As parents, guardians, and educators, we play a critical role in helping children navigate bullying. It’s crucial that we not only recognize when a child is being bullied but also provide them with the tools to respond effectively. Here are a few practical tips to support our children:


  1. Listen Without Judgment

    When a child opens up about being bullied, the first step is to listen with empathy and without interruption. Let them express their feelings, validate their emotions, and assure them that what they’re experiencing is real and important. This will help them feel seen and understood.


  2. Teach Them How to Respond

    One of the most effective ways to combat bullying is by teaching children how to respond. Encourage them to stand tall, look the bully in the eye, and assertively tell them to stop. Role-playing different scenarios can help build their confidence to respond in real-life situations. Let them know they have the right to walk away and seek help when needed.


  3. Foster Strong Communication Skills

    Open communication is essential. Make sure your child knows that they can come to you with any issues they’re facing. Regularly check in with your child, especially if you suspect they may be dealing with bullying. This shows them they are not alone and you are a safe person to turn to.


  4. Help Them Build a Support System

    Children who experience bullying often feel isolated. Encourage your child to build strong friendships with supportive peers. You can also suggest activities where they can meet new friends, like joining clubs, sports, or after-school programs. A strong support system can provide a buffer against the effects of bullying.


  5. Encourage Self-Compassion and Resilience

    Teach your child to practice self-compassion and remind them that their worth is not determined by the opinions of others. Encourage them to engage in activities they enjoy and that build their self-esteem, like drawing, writing, or sports. Help them focus on their strengths, rather than the negativity from bullies.


  6. Get Involved at School

    Bullying is often a school-wide issue, and schools need to take responsibility for creating a safe environment. Speak with your child’s teachers, school counselor, and principal about anti-bullying programs or policies. Ensure that there are clear steps in place to address bullying when it occurs, and that your child knows how to report incidents safely.


  7. Seek Professional Help if Needed

    If bullying has caused significant emotional distress or mental health issues for your child, don’t hesitate to seek professional help. A therapist or counselor can provide your child with coping strategies, help them process their feelings, and support their emotional recovery. Therapy can also help children rebuild their self-esteem and find ways to heal from bullying’s emotional scars.


  8. Consider Alternative Schooling Options

    Sometimes, despite all efforts, the bullying may not stop or the school environment may not be conducive to your child's well-being. If the bullying persists or worsens and your child’s mental health is at risk, it may be necessary to remove your child from that environment temporarily or permanently. Homeschooling, transferring to a different school, or seeking out a more supportive educational setting might be the best decision to help your child heal and regain their confidence.


Conclusion


Bullying may start as something small but can quickly grow into a powerful force that shapes a child’s identity and mental health. As adults, we must take this issue seriously and provide the necessary tools and support for our children to overcome these challenges. It’s not enough to just talk about bullying; we need to actively listen, equip children with strategies to respond, and advocate for a safer, more supportive environment.


By being proactive in supporting our children through these difficult times, we help them build resilience and ensure they understand that bullying does not define their worth.


Question to ponder: How can we, as a society, create an environment where children feel safe, supported, and empowered to speak out against bullying, without fear of judgment or isolation? And when should we recognize it’s time to remove a child from a harmful situation to protect their mental health?


 

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